


Mr. Freeman Tries to Continue

by Monsters_and_Matsu



Series: HLVRAI but Emotionally Damaged [3]
Category: Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Analysis, Angst, Black Mesa Sweet Voice, Canon-Typical Violence, Confusion, Crying, Difficult Decisions, Domestic, Dreaming, Dreamsharing, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Fighting, Frustration, Hopeful Ending, Internal Conflict, Kissing, Loss of Control, Love/Hate, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Awareness, Minor Injuries, Personal Growth, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rage, Self-Discovery, Self-Hatred, Sexual Frustration, Sexual Repression, Shame, Single Dad Gordon, Therapy, Video Game Mechanics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:20:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25806526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monsters_and_Matsu/pseuds/Monsters_and_Matsu
Summary: Gordon invites his friends over to his home, wanting nothing more than a stress free evening together to catch up with them. But Freeman’s mind is torn between living in the past and trying to look towards the future, instead of living in the present. Especially when he thinks about Benry.(Summary - Gordon works through a mental breakdown with the occasional short term comfort. This is not a story about blindly loving or hating someone who has caused you pain. It's about how trauma and desires warp our perceptions, causing confusion in the emotionally distressed. If you're looking for a fic about Freeman and Benry's conflict/negative feelings towards each other, this one is for you!)
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: HLVRAI but Emotionally Damaged [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1869784
Comments: 63
Kudos: 302





	1. Party

Gordon was in the kitchen making appetizers, he was having a house party. He had made a weird sort of connection with the co-workers that helped him through the Resonance Cascade. Funny how having your life in danger and being forced to rely on the only other people left alive built a trust that he was still fond of. Even if they didn’t have the most in common, these were the only other people that had gone through the same thing he did. And he found a little bit of comfort in that.

He stuck his tongue out in concentration as he was tucking triangles of biscuit dough into a cupcake tray and putting pizza toppings into each one, a kind of homemade pizza bite if you would.

A round object bounced over along the floor and next to his feet into his peripheral vision, making Freeman jump and drop pepperoni all over the counter. “What the Fu-”

Joshua ran over following it and picked up the toy grenade, “Look daddy, I’m like G.I. Joe!” The boy shakes it around making the fake pin tink and clank.

“Alright... Who thought this was a good gift idea for my son?” Gordon leaned over the kitchen island with clenched teeth remembering the countless times he thought his life was going to end in their workplace incident. He looked out across his open concept living room where two of his former co-workers were playing board games.

“That would be me, Dr. Freeman! Isn’t your little boy having a wonderful time playing soldier?” Dr. Coomer exclaimed with a big seemingly innocent smile as he looked over.

“Will you take your turn already, I’ve been waiting to spell hypothesis for nearly ten minutes.” Dr. Bubby huffed getting impatient.

Gordon forced a smile as he glanced as his son remembering he was still there, “It’s getting late and the adults are going to talk about boring stuff so why don’t you get ready for bed?”

“Aww I don’t want toooooo...” Joshua groaned trying to wiggle away.

“Come on, you don’t have to go to sleep yet but I want you in bed, okay? I’ll put on the Scooby-Doo DVD for you.” Freeman led his son to brush his teeth and soon he was in his room with the door shut. He took a deep breath and went back to the living room. 

Gordon parked himself next to the coffee table that the men were playing scrabble on. He put his hand on his hip in a short tempered manner, “I don’t appreciate you getting him that after everything we went through at Black Mesa, Dr. Coomer.”

“It’s all in good fun, Gordon! Your son seems to love the fake weapons I bought him. Isn’t that what counts?” Dr. Coomer put the letters E and two L’s down in front of the H and picked up some more scrabble pieces to put into his deck.

“Unbelievable...” Dr. Bubby mumbled extremely bitterly as he was screwed out of his ten-letter word. “Yeah Freeman, I don’t see what the problem is.”

“The problem is that I don’t like being reminded about being shot and blown up and amputated-” He looked down at his once missing right hand and clenched his fingers as if not believing it was really back.

“Sounds like a ‘you’ problem.” Dr. Bubby replied as he smirked, fitting the word onto the board over a bonus.

“Yes Gordon, we all have our own demons to deal with.” Dr. Coomer’s eyes grew a little bit wider in a creep familiar fashion as he stared at their party host, making Freeman emote a fearful blank expression. He remembered what the Coomer clones had said to him.

“Whatever, I’ll drop it.” He went back into the kitchen and busied himself by making food even though a terrible knot of anxiety sat in his chest. He kept thinking about how to push his feelings aside... This was supposed to be a nice get together, no need to get stressed! Yeah just... forget about how you feel Freeman! Just pretend like everything is fine and you’ll have fun tonight. Right?

He finished putting the cupcake tray in the oven before the doorbell rang. He jogged over to the front door and opened it.

“Hello Mr. Freeman! It’s nice to see you again!” Tommy gave him a big smile and clasped his hands over his as they exchanged a welcome handshake. “I brought a couple bottles of Pepsi for everybody.”

“Alllllright, just don’t drink them too fast haha. You can put them on the counter if you want and join Bubby and Coomer.” Freeman was happy that they were here, they hadn’t met up together since the party at Chuck e Cheese. Maybe this time he could actually enjoy a little quality time with his friends without being stressed out of his mind! All he wanted was a nice peaceful hang out section with the people who supported him through the most dangerous situation of his life. Even saved or protected him more than a handful of times back there.

He thought that he wanted to continue being friends with them even though they didn’t always see eye to eye. That was a normal assumption wasn’t it? Looking forward to happier more normal times now that everything that ever bothered him was in the past. At least, that’s the mindset Freeman had. Despite the things they had done to him and the times they hadn’t listened... for the three of them at least, he was trying to forgive and forget.

And the party was going fine for a while. They talked about what they had been doing since they last saw each other, whether they were still working for the government or had found a different type of employment. They hopped between table top games and some video games even though their taste varied, “Super Punch Out” was a one player game after all, so they would have to take turns. They ate the different things amateur chef Freeman cooked for them.

“Gordon, I’m Full.” Dr. Coomer said, “Gordon, I’m Thirsty.”

“Ahhhah I only have water left, Dr. Coomer. But the bathroom’s right down the hall if you need it.” Freeman answered, having everyone gathered around the kitchen island and in the stools. He smiled and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, “This is nice, getting to spend time with you guys again. Like, I never invited co-workers over before. Never really thought to do it, I guess because it seemed kinda too casual for the workplace.”

Tommy bit into a pizza bite, finishing it before adding a comment “I forgot to ask, Mr. Freeman, is Benry coming?”

The crew looked at Gordon waiting for him to answer, but he stared back at Tommy for what seemed like too long. His eye brows creased, his whole demeanor changing. “Excuse me?”

“I thought Benry was going to be here too, did you invite him?” Tommy asked again.

Gordon had to stop himself. Just hearing that name incited panic and anger and unbelievably negative emotions in him; it made Freeman want to go feral. He leaned his elbows against the counter top. Interlocking his fingers and hiding his mouth behind them as his thumbs held up his chin. Hahaha... He couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He was immediately overwhelmed with an emotion he couldn’t describe. He lost all concentration on how to talk like a normal human being.

“...Gordon?” Dr. Bubby glanced at the others then back at Freeman, waiting for some response.

Freeman stood back up from his leaning position and grabbed the counter, trying to compose himself. “Why would I invite the person who literally put me through HELL?”

Tommy’s smile lessened, “Well... Because he’s our friend.”

Gordon couldn’t help but blurt out an uncomfortable and angry laugh, “Maybe he’s YOUR friend, but I’ll be happy if I never have to see that psychopath ever again. What did he ever do for me, huh? Some random security guard that caused me grief from the beginning of the test day. Tried to kill me, basically was the whole reason that we had to go through all of that- Why would I be friends with him!?” He slammed his fist on the counter.

It may have not been something that Freeman recognized in the moment, but he was still fighting against intense emotional triggers and trauma from the whole experience of the Resonance Cascade. He may think that since it was over he wouldn’t have to think about it anymore, but the terror and fear may never fully leave. It could strike him today like how the image of his son playing soldier bothered him or it could strike him in ten years watching a violent movie on tv. If he chooses to ignore his feelings, he may become blind to what’s causing his pain. That friends playfully mentioning their time in Black Mesa could start to make him uncomfortable just by association and unregulated stress.

The others looked at another, but Dr. Coomer wore the most puzzled expression. He looked at Freeman with concern. “Gordon, I know you had only met Dr. Bubby and Tommy the day of the incident. But you’ve known me and Benry for quite some time. I had seen you talk to him on numerous occasions... But now you talk about him as if you’ve never known him.”

Tommy nodded, “The way Benry talked about you, I assumed you knew each other for a long time.”

“Well- I guess I never did know the real him or else I would have avoided him from the start!” Gordon huffed out, just saying whatever came to mind in his anger. But as soon as he stopped and thought about what they said, it dawned on him. He... really didn’t have a clear memory of what work was like before the incident. He knew he worked there, he recognized his colleagues and he knew they had an important test that day. But... he had no recollection of being notified to bring his passport that day, that there were Black Mesa issued silly straws or anything else that every other employee seemed to know. Shouldn’t he had been told these things or else he would have gotten a warning a long time ago? Shouldn’t he have a clearier memory of the place he worked at for years...?

There was a pause.

“So, you didn’t invite him. Is what I’m hearing.” Dr. Bubby stated, taking another bite of his snack. 

Gordon stared at him, then he grabbed the bridge of his nose under his glasses and shut his eyes hard. “Why don’t you guys ever listen to me? You know? Do you understand how infuriating it is when I tell you flat out how I’m feeling and it’s completely ignored? I’m... I say things that are perfectly reasonable and justified concerns and you all make me feel like I’m crazy! Like Like- Are you all coping with this just fine? With what happened to us??”

Gordon stopped talking, suddenly becoming embarrassed. He knew he was risking being harassed if he went on about his insecurities. It made him angry that he still felt panicked, he just wanted to have a nice time and relax but just the casual mention or joke was enough to make him deeply deeply uncomfortable. He was tired of feeling shitty when all he wanted to do was to move on from this, yet his wounds were still there after all this time.

Tommy excitedly answered him, “I went home and immediately started drafting articles on everything we saw on our adventure! Even though wikipedia hasn’t recovered, I started submitting my writing so that if this ever happened again there would be guidelines to follow!”

“I simply don’t worry about it until my life is in mortal danger.” Dr. Bubby added.

“Maybe it’s all a matter of perspective, Gordon.” Dr. Coomer replied as well, “Just because this is taking precedent in your mind, that isn’t always the same case for everyone else.”

Freeman dropped his elbows back onto the ledge and held his face in his hands. He felt like an asshole and like he was going to have a nervous breakdown at the same time.

“Oh pull it the fuck together already, have a drink or something.” Dr. Bubby leaned over slapping Gordon on the shoulder then pushed a one liter soda his way. “Whatever happens, happens. Who knows, maybe something worse will come our way. But what could be worse then what you already lived through?”

“Yeah Mr. Freeman, fear is just there to help us along the way. It doesn’t tell us what’s going to happen for sure.” Tommy said as he put a comically long and curly bendy straw in the bottle for him.

“And we’ve always pushed you when you needed it, so we could move forward.” Dr. Coomer got up and put his hand on Freeman’s back, “So have a sip to regain your energy and let's finish off the night strong. We can even play that cane game you like.”

“Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days...” Gordon mumbled through his hands.

“That’s the spirit!” Dr. Coomer replied and they rallied to get Gordon onto the sofa and doing something fun. If anything, this was the Mr. Freeman the boys knew best. The panicked cautious man that had faced the same terrors that they did. They all ran away together, screamed together, killed together. They may not feel the same way or were affected the way Freeman was, but they were fully aware of the things he said. Even if they didn’t always have a response for him.

Gordon tried his best to loosen up, he sipped his soda and sat with them. But his mind was trapped in an odd selfish place. He didn’t want to be that person hindered by past trauma. A person who either had to constantly try to be strong, avoid or breakdown. He developed a self guilt, “Why can’t I move on from this fast enough? Why am I yelling at them? Why am I bothered by things that never used to bother me before?” For his friends, they might not mind the new Gordon. But Freeman carried the burden of intrusive thoughts and fear that he hadn’t been able to shake and he had shame in himself for that.

* * *

Just like old times, Freeman eventually told the scientists that he needed to go to sleep for the night. They all bid him farewell and disappeared out his door, either heading home or finding something else to burn the midnight oil. For a moment, he was relieved he didn’t have to entertain them anymore.

He cleaned up. He took out the trash. He turned off the lights in the living room. 

He walked down the hall and checked on Joshua. Opening the door Gordon saw his son passed out awkwardly across his bed, tv still running and toy guns still in his hands. He moved him gently, putting the toys away and tucking the boy under a blanket. With a tired default frown the father stroked Joshua’s bangs back, making him smile a little looking at his peaceful resting face.

He closed the door again. He brushed his teeth. He put his pajamas on and got into his own bed.

Gordon looked at the other side of the mattress that was once occupied by another person at some point in his life. He was alone now.

He wanted to sleep and laid his head down on a pillow, but when he shut his eyes he was bombarded with foggy thoughts and distressing feelings. He felt uncomfortable and turned his bedside lamp back on before rolling onto his back with a sigh, staring at the roof as he thought. 

What Tommy asked him today drifted back into his mind, making him grimace. Benry... He couldn’t even keep it together at the mention of his name, he couldn’t imagine what he would do if he had to sit face to face with him again. 

Everything that he put him through... it was his fault he was like this. Whether his presence in the test chamber accidentally caused the disaster or he ran some kind of grand scheme from the beginning, he still believed the whole incident was Benry’s fault. Even if he had pushed the cart too fast and it was really his own fault, Benry had still tormented him in ways that he wouldn’t let go of easily. Annoying him from the beginning of the day, being friends with soldiers, ending up being some sort of inhuman monster. Looking back on everything made his stomach turn.

In retrospect, the others had caused him an equal amount of pain. Tommy picking to follow a soldier over him, Bubby betraying him, the horrors Coomer had tried to inflict onto him. Guess the only difference was that he wanted to make the effort to forgive them... He... wanted close friends. People that he wanted to feel safe around again, even if that trust was weakened by their mistakes. They still helped him through everything in the end. And he didn’t _want_ to forgive Benry. He wanted to stand his ground for once throughout this escalating emotional roller coaster.

Gordon was overlooking the reality that every traumatizing occurrence that happened at Black Mesa was, in fact, not directly Benry’s doing. It was a mix of chance, the nature of the facility, government action and the weaknesses in each of them. But this was just easier for his mind to process. Coming from a place of hurt, Freeman had no desire to look at everything equally and see all sides of the situation. All he knew was that he was in pain still, and he would hold onto that until he was ready to move on.

He brushed his anger aside so he could try to rest again. His eyes drifted shut.

This time his head was full of exchanges he had had with Benry. A weird feeling of nostalgia accompanied these memories which brought him some ease. “Wanna kiss?” was a line that had stuck out to him, the security guard had alluded to being affectionate more than once. It was so bizarre in the moment. What would have even happened if he had said yes? What if he had tried to get on his good side then and there? Would things have gone down differently?

He started to imagine it. “Uh huh sure, do it.” He’d answer him making Benry go “Wha.” He could hear his dumb voice in his head. A perfect recreation of that unique tone. “Yeah you heard me, bet you won’t. Bet you're scared.” Gordon continued the fake argument in his head.

It could have gone two ways he assumed, Benry could have completely taken it back. Said “Ew no way.” It would have gotten Benry off his back briefly at the cost of rejection and making him feel unwanted even by someone he hated. And in his vulnerable mental state that would have bothered Freeman.

Or that game of chicken would have met a stalemate. Another thing Benry could hold against him, “I have your feet pics and a kiss from you bro, now we have to be friends.” A threatening shirt grab only to be followed by a press of their lips. A tilt of his head as the rim of his helmet hit his forehead. His fingers clenching harder as he took a second softer kiss, a blissful tiny piece of affection-

Gordon jolted up wide eyed to a sitting position as he realized what he was imagining. His cheeks burned with embarrassment and anger. The last thing he wanted to fantasize about was being with _Benry!!!_ It disturbed him! And the fact that he started to feel something pissed him off.

Was he that desperate for company??? What the fuck was his mind doing to him?? It made him feel sick and confused to be juggled from one extreme emotion to the other. He was starting to become unsure on how he even really felt. His rational thoughts fought with the intrusive ones. And the feeling of disgust grew within himself.

What to do. He got up and ran his hands under cold water, took a sip of the drink on his nightstand. Mn- he grabbed his phone. A JustinTV video, that would help him. Just... something else to listen to so he didn’t have only his thoughts to keep him up.

With that he balled himself up back under his blanket, propped his phone against the empty pillow and let it play.

Goodnight Gordon, tomorrow is a new day.


	2. Afterparty Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon's dreams are interrupted by an unwelcomed guest.

Gordon was troubled by anxious dreams once he fell asleep. Like most people, He was by no means a lucid dreamer and dream Freeman acted a lot different then he would in real life. He accepted everything to make sense in his dreams no matter how odd or unbelievable it was.

He dreamt that he was trying to pack boxes that just wouldn’t stay closed. Joshua had gone off to college, leaving Gordon to pack up all his things and send them to him. He did nothing but worry about his boy, he wanted him to grow big and strong but Gordon was overwhelmed with his sudden departure. No matter how much he packed, moved things and organized he didn’t make any progress. It felt like his arms and legs were as heavy as boulders. The more he worked the less got done. This was a stress dream.

Box after box became undone, endless books and clothes and furniture seemed to appear. Every time he got one box out, ten more needed to be filled. It was a feeling of helplessness, constantly trying to drag himself no matter how tired he became. It felt like he was being crushed, but he knew he couldn’t stop. There was no just giving up, if he gave up he would be choosing to lay down and die. And even in Black Mesa he fought for his life until the very end.

This was the extent of his unconscious hallucination. Freeman’s waking stress manifested into a maze of endless work. Nothing changing, nothing being accomplished, the constant feeling of being trapped. 

Suddenly, there was a distinct knock at the front door. The sound echoed clearer and sharper than everything else. It snapped Gordon’s attention away from the chores immediately. 

“...” He stared at the entrance as the feeling of being stuck and heavy was lifted away from his body. With this new energy, he got up and answered the knock without a second thought.

Freeman opened it. “Hello?” He observed a slightly smaller figure standing there, wearing a loose hoodie and a baseball cap. He couldn’t tell who it was at first glance, the brim of their hat covering their face.

“Hey, Feetsmen.” The pale bluish-grayish skinned man lifted his head seeing the door swing aside and grinned.

Gordon instantly tried to close it but Benry slammed his palm onto the door keeping it open. The stress returned tenfold and drained Freeman of any strength he had to fight Benry off. He stumbled backwards in an effort to get away until his body felt too heavy to move, the walls started to close in on him.

No, no-! They killed him! He was supposed to be gone! The horrifying creature that had made his life a complete hell. He wanted it to be over! No no no no no no, oh dear god he couldn’t go through it again! He sooner run away and abandoned everything than be trapped with him! Following his every move, stopping him at every corner, adding insult to injury until he couldn’t take it anymore! He shielded his face with his arms trembling. He didn't want to go through Hell twice, he didn’t want to suffer anymore...!

...

“Relax dude, I’m just chilling.” Benry said in his unchanging monotone voice. He leaned his head into the home, looking at the constricting dark atmosphere. Then singing a green silent beam into the air, everything seemed to lighten up. The once scary tones the dream created from panic and fear were normalized. The environment returning to the normal welcoming house that Gordon lived in.

...Huh. The terrorized Gordon loosened up some and gulped, “Y... You aren’t going to hurt me?”

“Nah. I was, uhhh, just passing by. Heard you were thinking about me. You didn’t invite me to your party sooo I'm visiting you here.” Benry let himself in, walking towards him.

Freeman creased his brows still concerned as the monster approached him, but the immense fear and anger subsided. As if his first reaction and shock of having Benry here was gently sang away. He hadn’t attacked him... so maybe everything was okay.

Dream Gordon accepted this to be a normal interaction instead of a threat, which left him feeling a little embarrassed being called out, “Well- I’ve been really busy lately. Yeah I didn’t invite everyone, with Joshua leaving for college and everything I... it was nice just having someone else here besides only me.” He looked upset, thinking about the loneliness accumulating inside himself.

“Uh, yeah, obviously being alone wasn’t bothering you that much if you didn’t even invite your bestie over.” Benry said sarcastically with a roll of his eyes.

“No, I’m fine.” Gordon insisted looking away from his visitor.

They stood in silence a moment making Benry fiddle his fingers. Guess he’ll get to the point. “I heard you changed your mind ‘bout wanting to kiss?”

Freeman tensed again. He didn’t answer him.

“Huh? lookin’ for a smooch? Wittle Gordon doesn’t feel good so you looking for a cuddle to make you feel better? That’s what I heard.” Benry had a harsh tone when he teased him but it was followed by a soft chuckle as if he found the idea cute. He wore a mischievous smirk moving closer and closer until he cornered Freeman against a wall. His eyes narrowed as he leaned his face in right next to his, his sinister grin only growing wider.

“You're too close...” Gordon whined uneasy, tilting his head up trying to get away from him. “Listen, I’m sorry I didn’t invite you okay?”

Benry pressed his open hands against Gordon’s chest, “Wha? Who cares about that.” He moved it down his torso, making sure he pushed his fingers hard into his shirt so he could feel it in his skin. Not only pinning Gordon in place but giving him a rough stroke.

Freeman practically jolted, the sensation was so vivid it made his body light up with goosebumps. His eyes widened with a startled expression, fuck he... He hasn’t been touched like that in years. Having his fingers caress him sent pleasant shivers up his spine. The sensual touch of another person- Wait was it supposed to be sensual? Fuck, FUCK-

“Hey.” Benry grabbed Gordon’s face and made him look at him, seeing he was panicking. He flicked the brim of his hat up outta the way, “Calm down.” Then he tilted his head and pressed his lips against Freeman's without hesitant. It was soft. Gentle. 

Gordon didn’t fight, he was welcomed by the kind touch of affection. God, it just felt...so good. Just to have a little bit of comfort after all this time. Like he was being enveloped by a soft hazy fog, a blissful mist throughout his being. His eyes were about to drift closed when he heard a hum.

“Guh-” He grabbed onto Benry’s upper arms, nearly choking when a couple of blue sweet voice orbs gushed into his mouth. He had no choice but to swallow down their sugary healing energy. He continued to use his lips to funnel them between Gordon’s so he got every single drop.

When the tune stopped, Benry pulled away looking unfazed. “Told you that you needed to calm. hm?”

Gordon blinked at him, his distressed expression was gone and replaced by a more complicated emotion. He stared at benry as if he was lost and tired. With slightly creased brows, softer scanning eyes, a resting frown and heated cheeks. He didn’t answer whatever Benry was asking, even if he knew what he meant he had nothing to say. Just do.

Freeman put his hand to hold the side of Benry’s head and leaned down to kiss him this time. He finally gave in, ohhh how he didn’t care anymore. He didn’t care who it was; he just needed this so badly. Every pain in his body melted away as he kissed him over and over and over.

Benry made a noise as if surprised, Freeman now pressing himself against him of his own free will. Huh! He never had a ‘makeout session’ before but the non-human quickly shrugged and followed Gordon’s lead. Letting his hands wander over Freeman’s body.

And boy, did mister single dad start leading. Benry noticed it wasn’t just the way he crashed his lips against his repeatedly. But also how Freeman grabbed at his skin and clothes, the weird noises that escaped him, his torso twisting to the side to try to bring them closer, his whole body feeling warmer. And each kiss became more calculated rather than a mad rush of aggression the longer Gordon leaned into him.

Gordon wrapped his arms around him in a hug when he decided to pull his face away and buried it in Benry’s shoulder. Hands gripping hard onto his hoodie. This affection was sweet sweet relief even just for a moment, it made him feel normal.

Benry couldn’t help but laugh genuinely once his mouth was free and snaked his arms around him in return, he teased softly “Jeeeez Gordon, can you get anymore needy? You act like you never seen another person before, that’s kinda sad.” 

He rubbed his back as he held him and leaned his head against Freeman’s, “Doesn’t it feel good to listen to your old friend again? Like, we used to make each other laugh all the time. Remember? I get you’re uh, stressed out or whatever. Kinda lame. And it makes me angry that everything’s changed. But. If you’re still thinking about me then maybe you do care about me still. Somewhere inside.” Benry added.

Gordon just held onto him, this was all he wanted right now. No thoughts, only hug. “Keep holding me. Please.”

“Uh huh.” Benry stayed put, tangling his hand in Gordon’s hair and playing with the strands.

The dream starts to fade...

* * *

Freeman opened his eyes. It was morning. He was awake.

“...Ughh fuck.” He grabbed his forehead, the memory of his dream hit him immediately. He felt sick to his stomach. That was worse than a nightmare... That was the kind of thing that made you question yourself. Question everything. For a slight second, he thought it had really happened then reality set in. It was just a dream. It was just a dream. It was just a dream... 

Even then... didn’t dreams say something about your subconscious? Either your fears or wants or who knows what...

Gordon looked over at his alarm clock, it was about 6 am. An hour before his alarm would have woken him up. He laid there for a moment having no thoughts, nothing. He couldn’t hear anybody in his head, he was just existing as a body. All he felt were the sheets against his skin, the folds of fabric from his clothes, the way one foot was pointed up and the other was at an angle, the pillow cradling the back of his head. He was real. His mind was closed off so he could have a moment of peace. Just existing.

It occurred to him that he would need to help his son get ready for school soon. Without any more opinions on the matter he made himself sit up and walked himself to the bathroom where he did his business. He was on autopilot. The only things he was registering were the physical sensations of the real world. He didn’t have any thoughts on the tent in his pants, he ran a cold shower and knew that would be enough to make it go away.

As he shivered, he fought back any drifting thoughts that came his way. Eventually the cold water was too much to bear and he continued on. Clean body, clean clothes, trimmed nails, nice smells. It all brought a small bit of comfort.

He put on his dad voice as he faced his son. He smiled for him, he asked him about what he was going to do at school today and what he was looking forward to as he made him breakfast and packed his lunchbox. His child... he didn’t want him to have to face the horrors of the world. He wished he could keep his hopeful innocence forever.

He put his book bag onto Joshua and opened the door, “There’s the school bus.”

“Bye Dad!”

He watched him, making sure he got on safe. Then the bus drove away. He closed the front door.

Gordon slid his back down against the door. Staring off blankly into his living room. He was alone again. Empty again, head left to be filled with thoughts as he sat in silence.

He remembered feeling like this once before, there were times in Black Mesa where his thoughts completely left as he killed people. His body moved on it’s own, it did what it had to, it threw away hesitation to survive.

Whether it was acute stress response, dissociation or mindlessness he didn’t know. He didn’t know what his body was trying to do to cope. And he was starting to not care. He didn’t feel like himself anymore, he felt like a constant string of emotions changing rapidly and it was tiring. He didn’t trust his own opinion anymore.

Why was his head still trapped in Black Mesa?

“Hahaha...” He wasn’t sure why he laughed. Next he started to whimper. The more noise he let out, the easier it was for tears to begin rolling down his face. He pulled his knees to his chest and let himself wail out in big ugly sniffling cries. When he was alone, nothing stopped him from crying like this. There was no worry of making someone upset or seeming weak. He sobbed openly and hard. Screaming into his knees, letting the tears fall wherever they went, beating his fists against the floor and throwing his head back in the same motion a child would when throwing a fit.

He had to stop short though as he started to choke, coughing at his now stuffy nose. He walked himself to the kitchen, blowing his nose and spitting in the sink. Crying like that... made him feel a little bit better. Some relief.

It didn’t change the fact that he still felt tired. He didn’t know what to do with himself so he laid on the sofa and watched tv. Hopefully he could distract himself for a while. All he wanted to do was pass the time until it was bedtime. He didn’t have anyone he wanted to see, he didn’t want to do anything that required effort. Just forget about his problems for as long as he could.

Things would get better with time, Gordon. Just keep enduring it.


	3. Fight or Flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon snaps.  
>   
> Warnings: Harsh language/threats, hypothetical child abuse mention, self harm technically (Not intentional).

The day had already gone to shit. Gordon threw his phone across his bed away from him. He was invited to join his co-workers as they were gathering somewhere last minute. But hearing ‘you know who’ was also invited, he declined. He knew he couldn’t be comfortable around him. He had no choice but to choose between two bad options. Be angry there or be sad here.

It hurt him. It hurt to know everyone would have a fun time with the person he hated and he would be alone. He was crippled by loneliness. And he would have a bad time if he had to be around someone he hated. But he wanted to hang out with his friends. Why did he have to be excluded? Why did a bad person get to be with his friends and he was the one being punished?

He felt like absolute shit. He felt worthless. He felt like no one cared about him. Like no one could help him in a way that mattered. Like the people he called friends rather be with a monster than with him.

Pain... pain pain pain pain. Nothing improved no matter what he did and it was weighing on him more and more everyday. Nothing solved his problem: Telling people his feelings, shoving down his feelings, crying alone, doing things to distract him, thinking about how to do things differently- He couldn’t even have peace in his fucking dreams! Nothing helped! He was being tortured! It constantly occupied his mind.

No matter what he said, no one in his life would understand how he felt and why. He could never explain every complex detail that led to his emotions. And even if he could, nobody would care. Why should they? They aren’t the ones suffering.

The thought of Benry plagued him. His sense of self was rotting away.

He kept thinking about the dream from a couple nights ago. How vivid it had felt. How _real_ it seemed for a dream. He could still recall it even though the fine details had already faded away. Only a few dreams stuck with him like that. He kept thinking about it.

Benry... Benry... Benry wasn’t even human…

...A sudden realization dawned on him making Freeman sit up with wide eyes.

Benry had all these supernatural powers. The sweet voice, flight, skeletons, immortally, _mind control-_

Oh my god. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

If Benry had the ability to do all kinds of fucked up things, why would entering his dreams be any different?? Yeah that must be it! He heard he had a party without him and came to torture him in his dreams! Take advance of him while he was sleeping!! It was his fault! Everything was Benry’s fault! Everything!! EVERYTHING!!!

BENRY!!! FUCKING BENRY!!!

If Benry was STILL fucking with him-! After all this time, after all he’s said, after all he did to stay the FUCK away from him- IF HE WAS STILL INTERFERING IN HIS LIFE HE WAS GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT!!!

His assumption filled him with one of the most intense rages he ever felt in his life. Freeman was completely blinded by his conclusion, he convinced himself that this was the only logical reason for all his mental suffering.

He burned with hatred. His entire body filled with an uncontrollable lust for revenge. His body started to tense in ways it never had before. Holy shit, holy shit. 

His first instinct was to just try TRY to repress every agonizing feeling inside him. He has been trained like every other sane person to not throw a fit. It was never the time or place. Showing your emotions was weakness, giving into your feelings only ended in repercussions.

He began to sink into a deep deep hole of being a victim, the ways he was wronged started to overshadow any thoughts of Freeman himself having made a mistake. Everyone betrayed him. Life had betrayed him.

His legs moved on their own. He walked around his room as if trying to get somewhere. He needed to go but he didn’t know where. He couldn’t escape these feelings no matter where he went. No where was safe. No place would help. Nothing could make the pain stop.

His pacing began to make him feel worse, it felt like there were bees swarming inside him. His body was burning, it begged him fight fight fight FIGHT. He couldn’t fucking take it anymore, he had to let it out somehow, he needed to do something NOW or else it felt like he was going to die! He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t take it. END IT- KILL IT- 

He turned to the wall and started punching it as hard as he could, his same right fist laying into it again and again and again until he crouched over in pain. “FUCKING SON OF A BITCH.”

He grabbed his knuckles in agony, at least that stopped him from drowning in his mental pain but FUCK that hurt. Looking down to see he had put a minor gash in the top of his hand all along the base of his fingers. This is what happened when he lost control- he was aggressive.

He welcomed the physical pain, it was a relief compared to his mind-

“Dad... Are you okay? I heard banging...”

Gordon’s heart dropped hearing the small worried voice. He looked to see Joshua standing in the doorway. He hid his hand behind his back and stood up straight, seeing his son’s scared expression transported him away from his own emotions for a moment in an attempt to hide his struggle. He answered in his dad voice.

“Y...Yeah! I’m okay! I just-” He glanced at the wall and to his horror he had punched straight through the drywall, leaving an uneven fist sized hole. Evidence that he could use enough force to cause damage... His shoulders started to shake, he didn’t want Joshua to see him like this! He was beginning to panic and looked for anything to say that might excuse him. “I... got angry.”

“Why?”

Gordon’s brave face started to fade fast and he bit his lip, what was he supposed to say to make things better? He couldn’t answer him. He couldn’t tell his child all the horrible things swirling around in his head. He wasn't even in middle school yet, he knew he couldn’t understand. But the silence only made the boy more worried.

“Dad?” Joshua inched slightly behind the wall and held onto the door frame, making Gordon’s heart wrench. His son meant everything to him, he was the only person in this world that he would love unconditionally until the end. He was his beloved family, his own flesh and blood. He never ever put his hands on his son besides the occasional slap on the wrist. Everything he did was to protect him.

Yet Joshua’s body language screamed that he was afraid. He was afraid Dad was going to hurt him too if he made him angry. Because he could see what he did to the wall. And Dad couldn’t give him an answer. Children didn’t have the social awareness to understand that the world didn’t revolve around them, that parents could be upset because of other things in their lives. Even then, his frustration would start to leak out soon enough, he wouldn’t have enough strength to pretend he was okay the longer this went on. Gordon couldn’t think of anything to say to put his son at ease. He didn’t know how to make things better.

He walked to the door, “Dad has to be alone right now, okay?”

Joshua seemed unsure and sad that his dad was upset, but he trusted him. “Okay...”

Gordon closed his bedroom door, leaving his son to roam the rest of the house for a moment. He picked up his cell phone despite his hands shaking uncontrollably. A babysitter, he needed someone here right now so he could leave, so Joshua wouldn’t see anymore of this. 

His rage mixed with intense agony, it was Benry’s fault that he was like this. It was his fault that his son saw that, it was his fault that he couldn’t control himself, it was his fault his life was falling apart! 

Benry’s fault Benry’s fault Benry’s fault Benry’s fault Benry’s fault Benry’s fault Benry’s fault. 

As soon as the babysitter got there Gordon left, his body took him to the person making him suffer. He knew where he was and he bee-lined for them. Only blood lust compelled him forward. 

* * *

Tommy looked up, having brought Sunkist and the gang just outside his house. “Hey, is that Mr. Freeman? I thought he said he was too busy to come today.”

They all turned to look at him, but the moment Gordon stepped out of his car it was clear something was wrong. Benry stood farthest away from the road with the rest of the science team between them. As soon as Freeman’s eyes fell onto him, Gordon lost control. “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”

The science team all tensed up in disbelief, this happening completely unprompted. All three of them acted instinctively to grab onto Freeman as he lunged towards Benry. Benry put his hands up in a motion as if to protect himself.

“In God’s name, what the hell is wrong with you??” Bubby grabbed on harder with a better grip realizing he wasn’t messing around, Gordon was trying to claw his way to Benry with every bit of his power.

Freeman completely ignored the other’s words, he was fixated on the guard. “You're doing this aren't you??? You're using your powers to mess with my head!!!”

“Wha?”

“I’m going to tear your spine out through your fucking throat! I will find a way to kill you if it's the last thing I do!! Then I’ll have you outta my life and out of my mind forever!!!!” 

“Are you crying, Gordon?” Coomer asked.

Benry put his arms down, “I didn't do shit brooo, I don’t have any powers after you guys ripped up those passports. That's all I had.”

“That’s the biggest, fattest lie I’ve ever heard in my life! You expect me to believe you aren’t behind all this??? You fucked up everything!!!” Gordon fought desperately to break free. He could kill him this time, he could end all his suffering right now-!

“Mr. Freeman, please calm down!” Tommy pleaded struggling to keep his hold on him.

“I can't do anything without you constantly ruining everything in my life!! Even when your not here it’s all I fucking think about, I’m living a fucking nightmare!!! You’re in my fucking head!!!”

“Not my problem.” Benry stared.

“You fucking ruined my life!!! Fuck you!!! FUCK YOU!!!” Gordon screamed at the top of his lungs, his rage full blown and unhinged. Get the monster out. Get it out. Get it out Gordon, so you can start the process of moving on from what happened to you.

“You need fucking mental help, you mad man!” Bubby bared his teeth and tried to force Gordon to the ground with all of his strength. 

Between the three of them, the science team only managed to make Freeman drop to a knee. He was insane with adrenaline. If they let go of him now he would rip into Benry with his bare fucking hands.

They were containing him, but the problem was that reality never stops for you. There were still unforeseen consequences. During their struggle Freeman accidentally elbowed Tommy hard in the head, making him stumble back and grab his face as something on him gushed blood.

That’s all it took for Sunkist to lunge into the fray to protect their master and knock Freeman unconscious.

You fucked up Gordon, your emotions got the better of you.


	4. Other's Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The science team talk about Gordon and question why he’s such a dick :)

“Operation ‘Drag Gordon’s Limp Body into the Couch’ was a complete success!” Dr. Coomer announced after he flopped Freeman onto the sofa, the man still passed out and unresponsive. He fixed his arms since they prevented Gordon from laying on his back properly and hummed, “Looks like he might have been in a tussle before he got here too.”

Bubby let out an annoyed growl as he sat in front of Tommy, fumbling around with a first aid kit. “What a God damn, belligerent asshole.”

“Indeed!” Dr. Coomer agreed as he rummaged around the kitchen to get an ice pack. “But I can’t help but think that perhaps Dr. Freeman’s foul mood at our last get together is somehow connected to his little outburst today...”

“I don’t care if he’s completely off his rocker, that was uncalled for!” Bubby grumpily stuck together some strips of bandages and attempted to tape them across the bridge of Tommy’s nose, “Hold still.”

Tommy winced as his whole face was sore to the touch. He put one hand on Sunkist knowing his dog was only protecting him from Gordon and took the ice pack from Dr. Coomer with his other hand. He held it to his cheek, he’d probably be getting a bruise there later. He looked over at Benry who was standing away from the rest of them, watching.

“Is it true what Mr. Freeman was saying? That you’ve been messing with his head?” The science team all looked over in waits for an answer.

“Huh? No.” Benry had his hands shoved into the big center pocket of his hoodie. “I said I don’t have powers anymore.” His expression was unchanging, always cold and lacking genuine emotion. He was a blank monotone slate. His usual default.

“Well then, it seems we’re out of ideas!” Coomer shrugged with a cross of his arms.

“Wha- But why would he come here and start saying all those things? And try fighting all of us? Isn’t- that doesn’t make any sense if he did it for no reason.” Tommy asked but he made a painful face as it hurt to talk, he leaned back trying to relax, “Mr. Freeman wouldn’t just lie to us.”

Dr. Coomer nodded slightly in thought. “It is quite strange... Gordon has always been a very honest and upfront man. No matter how many times we had thought he was crazy with babbles of illusions, he was never afraid to speak his mind! He’s reliable!”

“Sigh, what a loon.” Bubby pushed his glasses up.

They sat quietly for a while and rested. Funny, just like all the other times they had woken up before Gordon and waited together.

“I know! Let's go out for ice cream. That’ll make our little Tommy feel better.” Dr. Coomer exclaimed and opened up the door.

Tommy perked up, “But what are we going to do with Mr. Freeman, he can’t come if he’s asleep.”

“Uh Dunno.” Bubby mumbled, “Fuck it, he isn’t laying on the floor of Black Mesa where something could rip his face off. He’ll be fine.”

“Yes, He’ll be secure in the comfort of your empty home.” Coomer agreed.

“Um... Okay.” Tommy couldn’t really think of a reason why they shouldn’t. And ice cream sounded great right now. Cream soda flavored and root beer floats! He got to his feet and did his best to walk along with them.

But Benry didn’t move.

“Are you coming?”

Benry looked over his shoulder, “Uh nah. I’ll catch up with you guys in a second. I havta. Use the bathroom.” That’s something these humans did alone right?

“Oh alright! You’ll know where to find us!” Coomer bid him farewell without a second thought on the matter and ushered Tommy and Bubby out. 

Benry rolled his shoulders and his head from side to side. Then his eyes came to rest on Gordon. He walked over and stared down at him. This not the first time he had watched Freeman unknowingly, skeletons following him from close behind in Black Mesa. Being able to see him through walls and from other plains. Having tried to argue, convince and scare him away from the end goal with any tricks up his sleeves. It was as if the harder he tried to protect himself and Freeman from finding out the truth, it made him more determined. A double ended sword.

Gordon looked peaceful. His once intense expression was now at ease, nothingness filled his head. A state of unconsciousness that was blissful and forced upon him. His glasses were probably still out in the yard somewhere. Knocked off his face amidst the battle. He had no say on what happened when he was asleep, no worries, no responsibility. He wouldn’t have to face reality until life told him he wasn’t allowed to rest any longer. Not allowed to play dead.

Benry’s eyes bore into that soft sleeping face, “Why are you so stupid, Gordon.” He asked knowing he wouldn’t answer him, his mumbles barely coming out in understandable sentences. “All you do is work yourself up, don’t you have anything better to do? Ever since the incident you’ve had a stick up your ass.” 

Sleeping. Gordon slept soundly. Ignorant to what transpired around him, but at least he couldn’t make assumptions like this. 

“Who cares about the rules. What have the rules ever done for you? They didn’t protect you. Yet you’re still set on doing things the ‘right way’ because it’s all you know. You think if you try hard enough to be ‘right’ then you’ll feel right. Look where that got you.”

He grimaced standing there awhile longer without doing anything. Stupid, idiot, Feetman. Eventually he sighed.

Benry leaned over to pick up Freeman’s hand, the blood from his wound had trickled down and dried up. But it was an injury from today no less. Glancing at the door again as if checking if he was really alone, he let out a short note. Only one blue healing bubble floated its way out and absorbed into Gordon’s hand, healing just enough so that it wouldn’t be exposed to the elements.

He let go of his hand and rubbed the back of his own neck, not quite ready to go yet. He wasn’t in a rush to hang out with the others though he liked their company too.

He decided to make himself comfortable in a recliner, throwing the leg rest up and the back at an angle. With a yawn he pulled the bill of his hat over his eyes and crossed his arms, drifting into a nap himself.

He had somewhere to be.


	5. Work Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even when Freeman dreams of the work place, things aren't quite right.
> 
> Warning: Aggressive thoughts of harm & canon-typical violence.

Darkness, Freeman was floating in peaceful darkness. A head trauma forced sleep. Relief from the splintering pain he had endured in his mind and soon to be in his skull. His head was shut off for him. It needed the break.

Then a dream came to him. Gunfire could be heard in the distance, clanking of machines, sparking of rails, footsteps of creatures, yelling of soldiers.

Freeman clenched a gun tight in his hands, his back pressed up against a wall. He could feel the presence of monsters lurking just around the corner, they were mindless and had no mercy for the unsuspecting employees that had been narrowed down to who knows how many. Freeman knew it was kill or be killed.

He was back in Black Mesa.

Just as he saw it last, swarming with aliens and soldiers and the escaped secret experiments of their facility. It was a fucked up, unpredictable hellscape. It would be easier to die then to make it out alive. But something in him forced him to try to go on, even though he was alone. There was no one here to push him forward, Gordon only had himself to rely on.

He huffed as his heart raced, but he knew what he had to do... as if he had been here before. He quickly peaked around a corner and pulled the trigger making his gun shoot off in a blaze. He sprayed bullets into the tall disgusting creatures, the only name coming to mind for them being “ex-wives” for some reason.

But they were barely fazed. They rushed to the wall knowing where he was now and Freeman turned to spirit down the hallway. Tired, he was so tired. His legs carried him on their own, no matter how much they ached and burned he knew his life depended on it. 

He constantly tried to drag himself no matter how tired he became. He knew he couldn’t stop. There was no giving up, if he gave up he would be choosing to lay down and die. And even in Black Mesa he fought for his life until the very end.

...Deja vu.

He kept running, desperately shoving a new clip into his weapon and firing back in hopes of killing these zombies. He rounded every corner he saw in an attempt to throw them off his trail but to no avail. This place was so foreign to him, he had no idea where he was and he found himself circling the same maze of hallways again and again. This was once his workplace... somewhere he spent whole days using his knowledge to further scientific discovery. Wanting to be a productive part of society and better mankind. How fast that all turned on him.

The creatures lunged and snagged his shoulder.

“Just die already!!” He stumbled off balance. Determined to end this, he rammed his gun's barrel straight up its headcrab skull and blew its brains out. It splattered against his face but Freeman couldn't care right now. He pushed his weapon against its decaying body as hard as he could and vaulted over it, hitting the second monster at full force with the butt of his gun, knocking its cranium half off. They finally flopped to the ground lifeless.

Gordon grabbed the wall making himself move on, he wasn’t going to rest next to these horrible things. A part of him still wanted to have dignity. He came across a break room where he could rest.

“Thank god....” He slumped against the door, not wanting anyone or anything hostile to wander in, but he didn’t want to trap himself either. For all he knew the ceiling could cave in or the vents lead something right to him. A sickness tossed around inside his guts, there was nothing but soda and vending machine snacks to keep him going. It made his body feel gross, but it was better than starving. He trusted the packaged soft drinks more than the water pipes in this irradiated building. He just needed to get out... the faster he could get out the sooner he could rest easy... 

An indiscernible amount of time passed before Freeman heard the sound of radio chatter and humans. Speaking in codes and strict commands, it was soldiers for sure. A bit of hope shimmered beside his anxiety, he must be close to an exit then! He hauled himself to his feet and cautiously slunk his way around the door frame, inching as quietly as he could along the walls. No running into danger head first, no putting his life at risk unnecessarily... He didn’t want to take the chance, he was a man of careful thinking and precision.

He felt sweat drip down his cheek and plunk off his HEV suit. Another small piece of protection in this horrid nightmare, maybe it was built to do more than protect him from radiation. Though he had lost the helmet in the initial explosion... what luck. He couldn’t think about the details now, he had to get past these assholes that won’t help him. To think he was going to give his life working for the government and they send soldiers in on a “kill everything on site” basis. What an unfair and selfish world he lived in.

Freeman held his gun up ready at his chest, you could do this... they were here to exterminate you so do it first. The men stood in this next room over through an open archway, all he had to do was get through them. Okay, ready-

“Hey Dude.” Benry leaned over having walked towards Freeman from the opposite direction.

His eyes widened in shock. He was completely caught off guard by Benry’s sudden appearance, but even more so that he stepped into the open where he was directly in the soldier’s line of fire.

“Watch the Hell out!!” Freeman grabbed Benry by the vest and pulled him hard as gunshots fired a second too late. The thick blast-proof walls of the lab covered them briefly but he made them turn and run as the soldiers spotted them. Fuck, fuck! The last thing he wanted was them shooting at him out in the open!

Benry followed close along as they ran away, but Gordon was doing a shitty job of picking where to go. “Hey uh, this way.” He grabbed Freeman’s hand and led him to a bunch of offices, they hid under a desk as the hostiles paced around and left soon after.

Gordon let out a breath as it finally got quiet again. Then when he looked at Benry he gritted his teeth and grabbed him by the face aggressively, “Are you trying to get us fucking killed?? Are you an idiot!?” 

“Nah man, I just saved your ass.” Benry peeled his hand off his face, interlocking his fingers into the back of Freeman’s.

“I was handling it myself.” He tried to take his hand back, shaking it out of Benry’s grip. He sighed then crawled his way out from under the table to stand up. Gordon had mixed feelings, he had someone that could finally help him out but he didn’t trust him. “Why did you decide to show up now?”

Benry got up too, only to sit on top of the desk. “Uh... well I was looking for you, but I didn’t expect you to be here. I don’t mind though.”

He turned to him with a crooked face and stomped over to shove him in the chest, “I DO mind. I want to get the _fuck_ out of here.”

Benry looked at the hand on him again, “Awfully touchy there Feetmen. Why don’t you take a break from running around like a chicken without a head, hm?” He held Freeman’s wrists and forced him to stay next to him. “Yeah yeah, wanna leave and shit.” He smacked his lips together, “What’s the rush?”

Freeman leaned his hands on the table either side of the guard, bending forward so he could look him directly in the eyes. His voice lowered and annoyed, “You really can’t think of one reason why I’m trying to leave, can you?”

Benry grinned having his attention again... He slowly brought his fingers up to stroke along Gordon’s slightly dirty and sweaty jaw. “You know, you’re not the worst looking thing in here. I rather stay with you than go back out there.”

Freeman sighed and hung his head feeling like he was losing an uphill battle. When he looked up again his stare was a little more tired and dull, “You’re the first living thing I’ve seen in days that didn’t try to kill me on sight.”

And the first thing to have a conversation with him. And the first thing that had some kind of calm tone to his voice instead of blood lust. Maybe the guard was right about one thing, why skip over a moment of needed peace?

Benry watched with half lidded eyes and his shitty little smirk, “...So wanna kiss or something?”

“Shut the hell up.” Gordon answered in an exhausted tone and knocked Benry’s helmet up before crashing his lips against his. He closed his eyes, kissing him like he was someone he’s been comfortable with for ages. This was fucked, he was in the middle of danger but he suddenly didn’t care. A warm feeling came over him and he went with it.

His smooches were returned, but Freeman was definitely taking the led on this one. He put his hands on the guard’s thighs and pulled him closer, standing at the desk between Benry’s legs. As he leaned in, it made Benry hold onto his shoulders for support.

Benry found himself clenching his fingers onto the cold metal suit; Gordon was a handsome, smart, long-haired, experienced dad... all things that Benry was not. He knew so much more about the finesse of affection, it made the guard eager for these interactions... he couldn’t help but ask Freeman for a kiss every now and again. And he finally gave it to him.

His movements weren’t shy either. Freeman tilted his head to make their lip lock deeper, only breaking for the occasional breath of air between them. Lips clashing and pulling in a fashion riddled with hunger, how the human liked to feed. The exact sensations didn’t matter, the dream sent waves of pleasant warmness over him. Things such as the press of their lips or Benry’s bare hand caressing the back of his neck was enough to make him feel like he was in heaven.

The longer it went on, the more he lost himself in the feeling. He put his knee up on the desk giving him more leverage over the guard. Benry whined softly, a few colorful orbs escaping off to the sides. The way Gordon had him, his legs were open and pushed back in a vulnerable position. 

Haha... wouldn’t it be so easy to... do anything he wanted to him? To take out all his frustration on him right now? Yeah... What was stopping him. This suit? The law? His conscience? Gordon wasn’t really fully aware of these thoughts going through his head, he just did as he pleased. He finally felt some control, he was the one leading, he was the bigger stronger man.

His change in mindset reflected in his actions. Amidst their kisses Freeman bit Benry’s lip, sinking his teeth into the soft flesh. Not enough to break the skin but still feel the muscle in his lip get painfully snagged in by his teeth... Benry made a noise.

Who Freeman directed his strong feelings at started to become meaningless, the dream’s reasons for what happened was blurred between logic, context and raw emotions. All his mind knew was that Benry caused an array of reactions in him. Misguided or not it would try to make sense of it.

He wanted to get his hands onto him, take out all this negative energy that sparked every time he was forced to acknowledge his existence. Ohh to just squeeze him, love him, please him, kiss him, hug him, taste him, smell him, hear him, see him, push him, rip him, use him, shred him, tear him, beat him, hurt him... All of this Freeman resisted because he had accepted it to be wrong, it all brought him discomfort. His life would be so much easier if Benry disappeared completely.

The more he dwelled on these thoughts, the more his mind brought it up. The more reaction he gave, the more his body learned this was a thought to be feared.

He feared this lustful Gordon who lived inside him, a part of him that if left unfiltered would ruin his life. A beast lurking inside every man, with enough loss of inhibitions anyone could become the aggressor.

Inhibition. A voluntary or involuntary restraint on the direct expression of an instinct. Like everything, instincts were never always just wrong or right. Only what each person makes of them.

One of Freeman’s fabric and metal gloved hands dug hard into Benry’s thigh without a thought of going easy on him. His fingers curled in on the soft spot having only a thin layer of jean resisting him. A grip that screamed he didn’t care what Benry felt, only what he felt.

If his mouth wasn’t full he would let him have an earful: I’m the one in control, you’re the monster. You’re a disgusting, harmful waste of space. You deserve the punishment, not me. If no one will be the bad guy, I will. I will serve my own justice. 

If Benry wouldn’t leave him alone, he would make it Hell that he decided to stay. He would make it clear that he wasn’t somebody he wanted to be around. He would treat him less than human. He had to become a monster to repel a monster. He would throw his morals to the wind and convince himself that he was in the right for hurting another person.

He would... be consumed by hatred.

His hand twisted the skin and fabric in its grip, his hold on his victim was tight enough to threaten ripping through him. He would finally take from him. He would find a way to hurt him as deeply as he hurt him and enjoy himself while doing it.

He could overpower him and degrade him as much as he wanted to his own pleasure. He could make Benry fear him the way he once feared losing his own life facing the final boss.

If he said it enough times to himself, he could convince himself to do it. Convince himself that he didn’t care anymore.

Only thing was, Gordon wasn’t really in as much control as he thought. 

* * *

Benry scrunched his brows, breaking away from his kiss. He grabbed Gordon’s hands and he pulled them away with ease. “Yeah, Ow.”

Freeman blinked his eyes open being stopped, “Oh.” He gulped leaning away. “Sorry.”

Just like that, his dreams were thrown off course again.

Benry looked aside quietly for a while, awkwardly they froze in place. “Hey Gordon. I'm not any good at talkin. But you're different. Like, really different. From the friend I used to know.”

Freeman stopped cold having his bliss taken away. He felt lost and out of place. “...I feel different. I feel like who I really am is lost inside somewhere.”

Gordon sighed, taking his leg off the desk and giving Benry space. “My life is dominated by pain. I feel like... like everything I do to feel better is worthless and there’s no answer to my problem.” He wasn’t planning on opening up to him of all people, but it just started spilling out. Maybe in hopes of someone helping him. He stared at the ground feeling uneasy again.

“...Uh huh?”

"I can't take it anymore.. I'm so lonely but when I'm around people I'm uncomfortable. When I stick up for myself it hurts people’s feelings. What am I supposed to do to feel better? Do my feelings matter or not? I... I don't want to live like this anymore. Whether I’m alone or not doesn’t change how I’m feeling. It’s torture. Every choice I make makes me feel bad."

Benry raised his brows. He didn't understand what Gordon was describing, or at least he didn’t really _get_ that what he was saying mattered to him. “Uhhhh Well.” He was more focused on how to get what he wanted then giving Gordon emotional support. Not that Benry knew how to do that in the first place or knew what he needed to hear to feel better. “Just stop feeling bad. Because I care about you and things can’t go back to normal until you fix yourself. Kay?”

“...What?” Gordon’s face twisted up, he had the nerve to tell him he had things to fix? And throw it in as some kind of guilt tripping compliment? “You don't care about me. You've never considered my feelings once.”

“Yeah yeah, this is just how I show I care about people. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be trying so hard to talk to you, to change your mind about me. I did everything I could to try to stop you from fighting me. Then things could have been okay again, nothing had to change.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?? You really think everything is okay out there? That nothing is wrong!?” Freeman gestured his hand outside the office window, wrists still being held. “That that that-- Everything would have continued to be okay if we just all listened to you and did nothing? Just because you wanted it to be? What about what I want!?”

Benry smacked his lips, “Uh, well. If you did what I wanted, none of this would have happened in the first place.”

“So, I should just blindly listen to everything you say!? Just disregard my own judgement completely? That’s what you want??”

Benry thought about it, unaware that Freeman was saying all this to make the point that it sounded insane. “Yeah.”

Gordon had strong emotions sweep over his face, he pulled his arms away swiftly and distanced himself. “You _are_ trying to control me...”

Benry’s eyes widened having him get out of his grip. He thought... He thought he was more powerful than Gordon in his dreams! That he would finally listen to him here! Now he was saying that mind control shit again??

“I AM NOT!!” He stood up losing his temper, “I never used mind control on you to make you be my friend! It doesn’t work like that!!! If I took over your mind it’d be the same as picking everything for you to say! Like being by myself! I just want you to think right on your own!!” 

Benry got tongue tied for a second then blurted out more, “I like you and all of a sudden you started hating me! I want our old friendship back where you never got angry at me! You thought everything I did was cool and funny! Where’s that Gordon?? Where’s my friend!?”

Freeman almost fell as he stumped back trying to get away from the person he hated. Legs heavy as iron again, walls becoming constricting.

Benry’s voice started getting sharper and louder, bubbling up with red orbs leaking from his mouth. “You were the first person that made me feel okay to be myself and make mistakes! I was HAPPY as long as you liked me! AND YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRIED TO STOP IT!!!”

Even if Benry wasn’t doing it on purpose, Gordon learned to put his emotions aside through fear. Gordon was so fearful of reliving the trauma that he told himself his own feelings weren't valid. That if he could do everything Benry wanted, the pain would stop. Benry was controlling him through a fear of past actions, not supernatural forces.

Freeman was trying to please a person he had so much resentment for that it was making him hate himself. All he wanted was Benry out of his life. He was so desperate to make it stop that he was compromising to a point where he wasn’t living for himself anymore. He was living for Benry. He was being forced to give into the things he said no to a hundred times over. Just as a desperate attempt to make an awful situation change. He had almost completely abandoned his emotions and what he wanted because another person tried to break him.

The dream started to become unstable. Gordon was having a physical reaction, he was trying to wake up from this unpleasant experience. But Benry didn't let him, he yelled ear piercing alarming notes into the air. Then he turned to stare into Freeman’s eyes with an uncharacteristically upset expression.

"No don't leave yet- I can't- This is the only place I can talk to you!! We won’t talk to each other out there!"

But the sensible Freeman was gone, only his true emotions were embodying him now. Nothing encompassed his figure except for fear, anger, sadness, confusion and justice in pure intense forms. They were all fighting to tell Freeman something. They needed Freeman to listen to himself.

Benry grabbed his shoulders, shaking Freeman almost frantically "Please!! I can't be honest when I’m awake! Don't go- PLEASE!!" His anger turned to desperation, he was trying to appeal to any emotion possible inside Mr. Freeman. Pity, kindness, weakness... but when a person realizes you aren’t deserving of those feelings, they won’t let themselves give it to you anymore. No matter how close friends you were.

The harder Benry pushed for compassion, the clearer it became that he shouldn’t give it to him. Benry lost that privilege when he decided to never give it back.

Whoever Benry once was to him, he didn’t care anymore. Freeman took another step in the wrong direction in an attempt to heal, he lost his empathy.

The dream cut to black.

* * *

When Gordon did wake, he jolted out of his sleep. His nap left him with negative emotions as soon as he woke up. Again. But he didn’t remember what he was dreaming about this time. All he remembered was the feeling. Oh god, wait. He got flashbacks of waking up and people moving him around while he was unconscious. Where was he??

He sat up slowly with a groan. He was in a living room with a couple of lamps on and somebody sitting in the chair next to him.

“Hi Mr. Freeman.” Tommy turned his head slightly seeing Gordon wake up, Coolatta was sitting in the recliner.

“Tommy...? Where- HNG uhhhh my fucking head...!” He grabbed his skull having a horrible intense throbbing in his brain. He was going to get a fucking concussion at this rate! Twice now he’s been hit to the point of unconsciousness.

“Here.” Coolatta passed him an ice pack which Freeman took gratefully.

He held it to the lump on his forehead, “Thank you... Am..? Is this your house?” Freeman looked around. It was very average, no distinct interior design besides a big dog bed and some toys that were here and there.

“Yeah, I’ve uh, everyone left a long time ago but I didn’t want to wake you up so I was waiting.” He still had the bandage across his nose with some discoloration on his cheek.

Gordon scanned his friend’s face and then glanced at the ground trying to process everything. He had driven over here in a rage and then.. He blacked out with anger. “Did I do that to you?”

“...Yeah.” Tommy glanced aside, not sure what else to say.

“I’m sorry.” Gordon responded with a heavy conscience. Great, he came over here and accomplished feeling like shit again. Shitty mood leading to shitty actions leading to shitty outcomes.

“It’s okay, but um. You should probably get home too if you can.”

“Right.” He didn’t want to keep Tommy up any longer then he had to be, he needed his rest too. Freeman took a minute to collect himself before getting to his feet and leaving the ice on the table. He said goodbye to Tommy and carefully left out the front door. The sun was going down. There was his car just slightly on the sidewalk. At Least, he thought that was his car? Did he hit his head so hard that he couldn’t see straight-?

Something crunched under his step.

He bent down to pick it up, “Oh.” It was his glasses. He put them on, yup definitely his. Stepping on them had broken an arm off and put a small circular crack in the corner of a lens, but besides that they were fine. He wasn’t going blind from head trauma, so that was a plus.

Freeman drove home in silence. The bright traffic lights hurt his eyes. 

When he pulled up to his home he looked at the lights glowing from inside. He turned the rear view mirror to himself and re-tied his ponytail. He went inside.

“I’m so sorry for the inconvenience.” He apologized to the babysitter who he had called at extremely short notice and then went past the return window by hours. He paid and they left.

He stood motionless. All he felt was a dull guilt and the pain in his head.

Joshua looked up from his toys, “Hi Dad.”

“...Hi.” Freeman stared at his son softly, but his frown wouldn’t leave him. 

Joshua looked up again when Dad didn’t move for a while. He got up to stand in front of him, “Did you break your glasses?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

Freeman smiled the tiniest bit for a second. Even though he was riddled with sadness and numbness, just the thought of Joshua gave him happiness. His child was a beacon of hope in his sad life. He loved him and wanted to be better for him.

Gordon got down on a knee to face Joshua, “I’m sorry if Daddy scared you. I need you to know that I’ll always love you no matter what.”

“I love you too, Dad.”

He put his arms out and held his son in a big hug. He needed this, even if it was just for a minute before the child would get antsy and wiggle away. He closed his eyes tight, treasuring the embrace. One day he would be all grown up too.

The rest of the night was quiet, consisting of nothing more than a couple of dad responsibilities followed by a long evening of watching tv and holding ice on his bump.

What will tomorrow bring, Gordon? Only time will tell.


	6. Makeshift Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lucky break. Gordon finally makes change in his miserable little life.

Gordon was forced to take a break, as badly as he wanted to be surrounded with his friends and have that one social need filled, he was ashamed of his actions. How could he go back when he felt this awful awkwardness sit in the pit of his stomach. 

What was left to do then just give himself some space? It was obvious that he couldn’t act civilized in front of the science team. They may say they don’t care, but Freeman cared. He didn’t want to hurt them for being on the side lines.

He couldn’t describe the rage that bubbled up inside him. He was sick of hurting. He was tired. He wanted it to end and his mind convinced him if he could just- be rid of the one guy that triggered all his pain then everything after that would be smooth sailing. Wasn’t that a stupid thought? He wanted it to work, but even if Benry disappeared it wouldn’t fix everything.

A part of him wanted to be with his friends, but he didn’t want to share them with that monster. A part of him... wanted Benry to just listen to him. Once. Why couldn’t Freeman have his way on this one thing that was important to him?

Whatever it was, Gordon cut himself off. He told them he couldn’t talk anymore and blocked their numbers for the time being. He needed to focus on himself. It hurt. But he refused to see Benry again. He refused to have the idea of him resurface and make the visceral reaction of hate return more than it needed to.

Being alone tortured him at first. A week of misery went by. Two. Then three. So many things were working against him. No one else knew what he had gone through in Black Mesa, he missed his friends, he hated the way he acted, he couldn’t stand the things Benry did to him, he hated that Benry was enjoying his friends while he couldn’t. All these thoughts kept stabbing him over and over. He felt like he was trapped. He felt alone. His biggest impulse was wanting to call them up and argue with them. Convince them to make Benry go away, the easiest thing to do was avoid him. 

But he didn’t. He saw what would happen. He locked his phone up at times so he couldn’t let his impulses come over him again. They couldn’t fix Gordon’s head for him. Fighting wouldn’t change anything. They had their opinions and he had his own.

Freeman would rely heavily on the fact that Joshua had school and an after school program to keep him out of the house most of the day. Gordon was a mess, he had no desire to eat and wouldn’t for several days. He was overcome with tears and intense episodes of mental pain. A passing thought was enough to cripple him for hours at a time. He would keep thinking about it and make assumptions and it get worse and worse.

The nightmares were relentless. They were riddled with his worst fears. Either of monsters, his boy in danger or painful social interactions. But the ones about Benry... those he hated the most. His huge figure towering above, the height of the tallest buildings, threatening to crush him. His body would become so tense that he felt like he was being squeezed to death.

The only odd thing was, these nightmare Benrys never looked like him. He was so vivid in those sexual dreams... just a weird distinction. Gordon didn’t really think about that though.

He became afraid to sleep. He would stay up through the night because he could feel the anxiety crawling along his skin. Some nights were horrible, he would lay in bed for hours with his eyes open. Every time they drifted shut he jolted them open again in fear. He had the urge to try to leave and find someone to comfort him, but there was no one for him at 2am. 

He had no responsibilities when he was supposed to be sleeping so he would indulge in videos and reading and internet image searches. Anything to distract himself until he was too tired to think.

His panic started to die down after weeks of the same thing. Isolation wasn’t so bad anymore. It was predictable. The pressure slowly started to leave. He was okay... He found things to interest him without relying on other people. He found himself finding time for new hobbies he never bothered starting before.

Thank god for grocery delivery and house cleaning services. He couldn’t do anything that initial week or two after his fight. But he knew he had to support Joshua somehow. He would find just enough energy to take care of him and himself. All he could do was take his days one step at a time.

It was really quite lucky that he was still being supported financially by his old job, Freeman was able to take a much needed break and work through his suffering without a deadline.

Gordon endured the pain of his mistake. Trying to figure out what to do next.

* * *

When Freeman was able to will himself to start going outside again, things started to take a turn for the better.

He was food shopping one day when someone caught his attention.

"Gordon? Gordon Freeman?” He lifted his head to see a dark skinned man approaching him. "I don't know if you remember me. It's Darnold, from the former Mixology Department."

Gordon cleared his throat, not expecting to talk until he got to checkout. "Um.. Actually yeah. I do remember you."

“It’s good to see you again! I’m glad you’re all in one piece.”

They engaged in small talk for a bit before Darnold asked the obvious. 

"How are the others doing? If I recall I last saw you with Harold Coomer, Tommy Coolatta.. and um.." Darnold searched his mind but wasn't sure if he knew the other two personally.

Gordon quickly tried to use his words, "Uh- please don’t name more, it'll make me uncomfortable."

"Oh- pardon me. I understand you must still be feeling iffy about the whole experience."

Gordon felt a wave of relief come over him. Having someone listen to him without discrediting his feelings or making him try to explain himself. He... didn't realize that people could be kind enough to take 'I am uncomfortable' as an acceptable answer.

Darnold hummed, “I’m terribly curious about your adventure Dr. Freeman, seeing as I didn’t tag along. Would that be okay to talk about?”

“Not uh... Not really.” Gordon looked away and with an uneasy expression. “I’ve been having a really hard time lately.”

Darnold nodded, “I’m really sorry to hear that. Perhaps... hmm. Perhaps we could meet up and talk another time, somewhere less public.”

Gordon looked even more unsure, which prompted Darnold to continue.

“Let me clarify. You see, you know me for my skills in the mixology department, which is my true passion, but my first degree is in psychology. So, I have a lot of free time on my hands if you want to just. Sit and talk for a while? It really isn’t a bother to me, I quite like listening to others.”

Freeman gently creased his brows at Darnold’s kind offer.

Therapy huh...? He never considered it until now. It seemed so impersonal... but Darnold was someone he knew. He trusted him more than a stranger.

“Alright, when are you free?”

* * *

“Gordon, I think I've come up with a hypothesis to explain your state of mind.”

Freeman had been talking to Darnold almost everyday. Whether it was an exchange of texts, a phone call or making the effort to see him in person. Darnold became a life line. They didn’t exactly have the most in common and their reasons for speaking were almost like a business exchange, but Darnold was happy to lend him a hand when he had the time.

Today, they sat in a room together having a proper therapy session.

“...Tell me. Because I’m so fucking lost.” Freeman answered.

He was eager and a little nervous to hear Darnold’s professional opinion on him.

“Well. In short, you don’t love or hate Benry, not as simply put as that. You had an emotional bond with him, so his actions matter more to you. You were so impacted by the things he did to you - by the lack of control that you had when it came to your friendship and emotions - that you fantasized about having control in your life, maybe even control over him. Whether it appears in the form of violent confrontation, sexual domination or extreme defensiveness. But having an intrusive thought doesn't make you a bad person."

Darnold gave Freeman the opportunity to speak, but his words seemed lost on him.

"You tried your very best to not act on these thoughts in real life, and that’s what matters. You fight your impulses everyday because even though you can't say it, your subconscious knows what’s important to you. You’ve been destroying yourself with the shame of having these thoughts and not being able to perform normally in your daily life. You're consumed by the stress of what has already passed and the fear of bad things happening in the future. 

You need to accept that you're okay right now. You aren’t going to die from the emotional load even if it feels like it. And it’s okay if you make mistakes.

If you were a bad person, you wouldn’t care about hurting other people. But you do care. The fact that you have guilt, you try to learn from your mistakes and you feel disgust that stops you from pursuing heinous acts in real life. All these seemingly out of control thoughts and lack in judgement stems from trauma. You're just trying to cope.

It's okay. You are okay. Most people never study the complexity of the human mind, that it's all just a system of chemicals and signals rigged up to keep you safe. And keep the things that matter to you safe. The mind tries to seek the easiest, fastest and most pleasurable solutions possible. But when we’re taught to care about others, we are constantly fighting to do what we think is best for everyone instead. To step back and think about our actions.

Sometimes we don’t understand what happened to us or why we start struggling. Trauma in any form can lead us to start doubting ourselves and make different decisions then we would with a clear head, it becomes logical for our brains to start fearing that everything will have the exact same results. We safeguard ourselves and try to find solutions to stop or prevent pain from returning, even if there isn't a problem present in the moment. We fear the possibility of one.”

Darnold took a breath, hoping he wasn’t going too in-depth too fast.

“Is what I’m saying make sense to you? You have to find balance in your life, Gordon. There is never going to be the perfect answer. And it is impossible to describe every complexity in your life so that no one ever hurts your feelings ever again. Even then, some people will simply never have compassion for you, no matter how much you try to compromise or scream or cry for them.

When you speak respectfully to others and they won’t listen to you or they attack you, of course you're going to speak from anger. Some people just aren’t in a place where they can listen at all. 

You have to understand that the hurt inside yourself can’t be solved by other people.”

Darnold leaned back and looked over his notes on what Gordon had told him again. It was quiet for a while.

“If someone abuses you and you never speak up, you are staying quiet out of fear. Because it’s easier to give in to their demands. You fear because you know standing up for yourself - whether you do it respectfully or as an attack - will end in someone feeling like they lost. Any relationship can not be one sided, you both give and take and set boundaries of what's acceptable behavior or not.

It’s hard when you're trapped with someone. We get tired of fighting. But we have to fight or else we become floor mats. If you give up and never say anything, the other person will think the way they treat you is acceptable. If they really care about you as much as you care about them, they will take their turn compromising. You have power too. Stop surrendering it to them, I know it’s hard because you're tired. But you have to keep fighting for yourself. You have to, no one else knows exactly what you need to be happy besides you.

You have to start living for yourself, Gordon. You need to forgive yourself. Let yourself cope however you need to because we both know when given the choice, you don’t want to hurt people. But sometimes it's necessary to stand up for yourself. Don’t fight the compassionate people in your life, fight the people you really need to speak to.”

...

Freeman sat back in his chair and let his body melt into it. He let out a deep sigh. “What if I don’t trust myself? What if I’m worried I’ll lose control and make an irreversible mistake?”

“Gordon, we have to make mistakes to learn from them. The more painful they are, the sooner you’ll know how to step back. You just have to navigate which are actually your mistakes and which are out of your control. You already did it once before.”

“...what if I don’t want to fight anymore.”

“Then let them go and start new.”

Gordon made a face as if not liking that answer.

Darnold tilted his head, “Um. I really think you should ask yourself. Do you really want to be around these people, or is it just easier to be? Because you know breaking away would hurt too?”

“I don’t know anymore.”

“Fair enough. I hope you can start thinking about it. And then hopefully one day, you’ll finally come to peace with yourself. You’ll realize that others emotionally manipulating you isn’t worth punishing yourself, you should only feel guilty if you let yourself turn into the same kind of person.”

“...I need a drink.”

“Don’t drink alcohol. It’s a depressant and will only make your sadness worse.”

“Then... I’m going to take a rest. Then I will start learning how to make better decisions to help myself.”

“Good idea.”

* * *

They would have more talks & Gordon would think more.

Think think think think.

Think about why his thoughts were inflicting so much pain.

Think about why other people's words constantly hurt.

Eventually, he made one change in his thought process that would open a new door for him.

He thought back on what was said to him and actually listened to the words they used this time instead of perceiving what he wanted to. Instead assuming the only things he knew, he processed the alternate viewpoint Darnold had noticed he was missing.

And it finally clicked.

He had an epiphany and the clouds parted in his mind.

He accepted full heartedly that trying to attack someone was wrong, but his actions weren’t unjustified. He didn’t need to feel guilty about having moments of weakness under extreme stress. He wasn’t to blame because he “couldn’t make himself behave” when he was in pain. He was allowed to be imperfect. He was a human being with valid reasons and emotions, he didn’t need to provide a reason that was “good enough.” His pain mattered, no matter what caused it.

He wasn’t a horrible person, he was only a human who had made mistakes. And he finally accepted that he had become part of his own problem- he became so self absorbed that reason became skewed in his head. He convinced himself he was trapped. He wasn’t to blame for that. He had made an honest mistake and needed to forgive himself.

It wouldn’t happen overnight, since that accident he had been telling himself again and again that if only he had done differently then he wouldn’t be in so much pain. But putting that pressure on himself only made him hate his choices more, it created an unrealistic standard for himself that he could have somehow taken control of a situation he had no way of preventing.

He convinced himself that he had control over everything and knew for certain all the answers, when he didn’t. Nobody did.

He needed to let the past and emotions wash over him. Yes it happened, now let it go knowing it will never change. Yes it still hurts, now accept that the only thing you have control over is yourself.

He needed to know when to step away if people weren’t willing to compromise for him when he was having a breakdown. He couldn’t make them never talk to Benry again but he could tell them that he wasn’t having fun. He didn’t have to stay if he was miserable. And only they could decide what they were willing to compromise on.

If his happiness didn’t matter to Benry, then why should he care about his? Fuck him. He will never let him take advantage of him again.

...But Gordon couldn’t shake this feeling. For some reason when he was hurt, he wanted to reach out to Benry. As if that once made him feel better.

...

The problem was that Benry made him feel horrible now. What a strange conflict of experiences... Gordon didn't realize this, but he had become extremely attached to Benry’s friendship, all those years together at black mesa before the incident. He didn’t have outside family, he didn’t have friends from college. He had worked himself to the bone and kept connections with almost no one. His friends from work felt like all he had. And he didn’t like trying to start over.

He wished he simply didn’t care about Benry, then it would be easy to ignore him. But knowing he was once a source of joy was what made this all so confusing for him.

He felt a radical self worth realizing he didn’t have to feel guilty about someone else treating him like a piece of shit. He may have trusted him once, felt safe with him once... not now. He had to let go of the idea that Benry wouldn’t hurt him because he was his friend. He did hurt him. And Gordon was allowed to be mad.

This is only the first step to healing, Gordon. There are a lot of pit falls along the way.


	7. Self Confidence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Gordon starts gaining the ability to make choices for himself again, he has to be careful to not be too hashy. His emotions still have an overwhelming hold on him and rushing recovery will only end in regrettable decisions.
> 
> If only life didn’t have other problems that derail his one track mind.

Gordon turned to self help guides and research. There was so much information out there and as a man of science, he needed to understand how to heal the damage in his head. 

There were people who had studied how to help those struggling from mental roadblocks, trauma and mismanagement. Now that he started to explore what was afflicting him, he could trust that professionals knew what they were doing- That the self care they prescribed would actually help him take steps in the right direction. 

He may not understand how these things would ease his depression or self worth issues or self doubt, but if they claimed they would then he’d try it. He read about not suppressing his feelings with distractions but making sure to do things he liked. How was he supposed to know the difference? If he was sad and did an activity it was a distraction, if he was sad and he did an activity he was doing self help...? He didn’t see the difference yet.

Gordon was only starting on his road to recovery... right now it was best to have space while he sorted out his head. Now was the time to see if he could make some healthy coping skills instead of damaging ones.

As soon as Benry came into his dreams he tried to wake himself up, and he slowly started to see progress. He became more conscious of his dreams turning unpleasant and put an end to them, just so he didn’t have to fear going to sleep every night.

He gained the tiniest bit of power by remembering he was asleep. He could gain control of his mind if he found the right ways to do it.

After a while he was able to sleep somewhat normally. The more he was exposed, the more the discomfort inside him started to go away. Of course it still made him mad or upset, but he found himself able to recognize why his emotions flared up instead of them blindly taking control of him. And then he told himself the dream wasn't real and let it go.

Every time it was unpleasant, he wished everyday for it to stop. But each time he woke up was a chance to practice recognizing his feelings and sit through them, instead of ignoring them and letting them build up. It became easier to let himself cry again when he needed to.

It seemed like an impossible change at first, he would fight desperately to follow breathing exercises and mindfulness while these unbearable emotions swirled inside him. Over and over again he tried to redirect his mind to focus on his body instead of judging his thoughts. He told himself that he wasn’t being attacked, his body was fine, he was not in danger. He would need to double down on focusing, instead of giving into the panic of past events.

Freeman would force his body to calm down. Re-train his mind that these wandering thoughts and emotions were not hurting him, he just had to sit through them until they passed.

This would be one of the most difficult steps as Gordon fought his own instincts. He constantly doubted himself through each episode, he felt endlessly tired. The times between his mood dipping would have close to no breaks between them at first, he would have to frequently leave what task he was doing because he needed to cry or calm himself. It felt like an uphill battle every waking moment.

The only thing that he could vaguely compare it to was like having his hand chopped off. No matter how much he screamed or clenched or cried, these reactions couldn’t make the pain go away.

When would peace of mind come?

It wouldn’t be instant. But after some time, Gordon noticed a change in his thinking.

Slowly but surely Freeman started listening to people instead of just thinking about how to reply defensively. He had always assumed he was being attacked and that blocked his ability to listen to what people were actually saying to him.

He also started to recognize how people talked to him. This... strange ability to read between the lines in real life conversation with accuracy instead of judgment. 

Noticing what people’s real intentions were with their word choice, tone and body language. He had to remember, there was a logical reason everyone acted the way they did.

As he listened more deeply, it became very clear to him when people were actually listening to what he was trying to explain or if they completely ignored him. He noticed when others rebutted with only comments about their own point of view, out of their own defensiveness. Not taking the time to listen to him because they were too busying trying to prove their own point.

Freeman wasn’t constantly making mistakes, _others were to blame too._ Other people were being short sighted and he didn’t have to trust them blindly. Even if they had once earned that trust in his heart.

This was a helpful observational tool and it made speaking with assholes a lot easier. It brought Gordon some peace knowing he wasn’t crazy. But it all went to his head very quickly. He wanted everyone to have his epiphany too. He wanted everyone to stop being blind like he was. Yet he had no idea how to share this idea in a way that made sense.

“It’s so obvious... Why couldn’t I see that I’m not at fault for everything? I thought that I was the source of every problem because that’s what people always _told_ me. And I was so trusting because I cared so much about them...” Gordon was speaking on the phone with Darnold again as he paced around his house.

Freeman continued, “I feel like I was brainwashed- like it’s so weird knowing I inflicted this pain on myself even when no one was here! Like, I was a fucking _dog_ that learned to fear people because I felt like shit every time I was around them. Just hearing... HIS name was enough to make all that past pain assault me again. And I didn’t want to be in pain anymore so I just avoided it. 

BUT NOW I feel like a complete jackass because I never valued trigger warnings before. I thought ‘How fucking stupid. Just get over it. It doesn’t bother me so why would it bother you? You’re an idiot.’ That’s how I used to think and it’s so self centered.” 

An irritated growl escaped Freeman and he grabbed his hair having that rage resurge, “And it makes me so fucking ANGRY because _that’s_ why I thought it was okay when no one would take me seriously. They always made me feel like I was overreacting, when really it was all that pain I was holding in exploding at once!

I wasn’t angry at hearing his name, I’m angry at all the trauma attached to it that I was never allowed to deal with! And I didn’t understand that I was being triggered because I never wanted to accept I had trauma. So I just didn’t trust that my emotions made sense anymore because they didn’t for a _long_ time.”

Freeman stopped himself, he felt his heart racing and he let it calm down.

He sighed before speaking again. “I have to fight that innocent part of me that wants to trust my friends and tell myself that sometimes even the people you trust most are _wrong._ All those problematic ways of thinking... I still want to be myself but I have this immense guilt in the back of my head. I don’t want to make my own choices if they hurt me again. But I don’t want other people to pick how I live my life...”

There was a pause. Darnold was making a quizzitive face on the other side of the phone that Freeman couldn’t see.

“Hello...?” Freeman asked meekly.

“I’m here. Just thinking.” Darnold hummed, trying to find the right words to help his friend on his journey.

“Gordon, I think this is great progress you're making. You’re stepping into a new realm of critical thinking that will help you face all the challenges you have and any new ones to come. The more you practice, the more you’ll remember your new coping skills. But you need to always come back to balance on _both_ sides. Remember how we talked about black and white thinking?”

“Yeah, thinking there’s a defiant right and wrong answer when reality is everyone has their own opinion.”

“Exactly.” Darnold smiled. “Remember that extremes are never the best path. For example, saying ‘Men have never done anything wrong’ and ‘All men should die’ are both harmful extremes. They are generalizations that are very easy to adopt and it leaves these people constantly bothered with other people’s opinions. What you choose to forgive is your own choice, there’s nothing wrong with standing up against what you believe is immoral. But you can’t change everyone’s mind. And you can’t tear yourself apart if you’re unable to change things out of your control.”

“Right. That’s something I’m still working on getting through my head...”

“Also,” Darnold made sure to include this, “It’s okay if you enjoy problematic things within reason. If you’re not hurting anyone or yourself it’s okay to not be perfect. Have a drink one night, watch that movie you enjoy that hasn’t aged well, let that dirty fantasy power your alone time. No one will judge you unless you decide to share it. You’re allowed to live a little.”

Gordon was quiet, the sudden thought of having romantic relations with Benry filled his head and made him gulp hard. A knot instantly forming in his chest. “W...What if I want to do something that makes me really really uncomfortable?”

“Then don’t push yourself. You need to know your limits. Everything that really matters to you will become clearer the more things settle. Be patient, okay?”

“Okay...”

Darnold wrote down some notes. “I know you want to grow into the person you want to be right now, but please be kind to yourself Gordon. You’re only human. As long as you always put yourself back on track, you’ll get there in time.”

* * *

Some time had passed.

The hardest part of learning a new way to think is the relapse in judgment.

Curled up in his bed, thoughts tormented Freeman during a moment of weakness...

His new found knowledge haunted him.

How was he supposed to live knowing a monster was forgiven for all his crimes without second thought?

Why was he the one suffering? Was there no justice in the world? He had tried to live a good and honest life, he always followed the rules and did what was asked of him. He pushed himself past his comfort zone again and again just to satisfy other people.

For what?

So people wouldn’t see his suffering? So he could fit in? To pretend to feel accepted among a group of people that dragged him along because they had to?

Why did he get punished for doing what everyone asked of him. Was what the world taught him really the right way to act.

The person who went out of their way to harm others was with his friends. Being rewarded.

Compassion got him nothing.

He was empty.

He had no more patience. 

He was being asked to forgive someone who ruined his life.

He didn’t care who they really were. What their problems are. How they felt.

His friends turned their back on him when they forgave a monster.

Gordon was dying on a hill only he could see.

...

Then, that little voice of logic shined through in the darkness.

_That’s not true._

_Your friends may not understand what’s going on in your head but they still care about you. They’ve told you time and time again that they like your company._

No. They hurt me, they hurt me, they hurt me. They hate me or else they wouldn’t hurt me.

_They’re only human too. They make mistakes. They’re still willing to be your friend._

NO! I HATE THEM! THEY HURT!

_It’s your choice to interact. No one is forcing you. You’ve been apart this long already._

...

I want my friends back, but I want what we used to have...

_The past is over. You need to decide on the present. Do you want to do things the easy way or the hard way?_

_What are you willing to forgive and let go of?_

* * *

As promised, the negative feelings had passed. As they always did. And time passed again.

Freeman was having a pretty relaxing week so far, he was really starting to see some stability form. His hobbies flourished, the time he spent with his son was priceless, he kept on top of the chores.

He finally felt like things were getting better the more he removed stress from his life and became okay with being out of touch with his closest friends. He knew he wasn’t where he wanted to be, but this was miles above all those sleepless nights.

He had nice plans for today too. He had the energy to get things done while Joshie was at school.

Then, he heard someone knocking.

Strange. He didn’t recall ordering something online or anything.

He opened the door.

Benry was standing there.

Benry.

Standing.

There.

This wasn’t a nightmare he could wake from.

He was here.

“Hi...” The former security guard lifted his head enough to show his face under the bill of his cap. 

Gordon’s body lit up like a firecracker. An instant stress alarm rang insanely loud between his ears.

It told him he wasn’t ready for this. He wasn’t ready for this. He wasn’t ready for this!!!

He could feel himself slipping to the bubbling rage thrashing in his veins. He tilted his head away and closed his eyes tight, clenching his teeth so hard it hurt his jaw.

“ _Go away..._ ” He managed to spit out in a horrible voice. “ _Before I do something I regret._ ” 

Freeman was desperately trying to keep himself together. He knew from experience that whatever he said in anger would come back to hit him like a ton of bricks. Like it always had his whole life. He was holding it in again.

Benry tapped his fingers together, “I wanna talk though.”

Freeman just shook his head no, he couldn’t speak.

Benry looked at him then his eyes stared to the side awkwardly, fiddling his fingers together and wearing his stoic face. “Listen. I’m like. Kinda sick of you avoiding me. So.” He smacked his lips. “Let’s talk or whatever and say we’re sorry so we can hang out again-”

 _“WHY CAN’T YOU TAKE A FUCKING HINT!? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”_ Gordon screamed hitting his whole forearm against the doorway in a bash so violent it made Benry jump.

Freeman felt like he was going to pass out, he leaned his head in the arm he raised.

He didn’t care that he was falling apart in front of another person. How vulnerable he looked. If Benry wouldn’t listen to his words, he could only try to _show_ him how much pain he was in.

“Gordon...” Benry mumbled. “Just get over yourself so we can all hang out again... We’re sick of the drama so. Let’s play nice, okay?”

Freeman opened his eyes. Something snapped in him. 

“I... don’t miss this.” He realized under his breath.

“Huh? What.” Benry tilted his head not hearing him.

Gordon looked Benry dead on. His aura abruptly became icy and serious.

“You don’t deserve my forgiveness or my stress. I know I’ll be okay if I move on in my life. Maybe I won’t make the effort to mend things after all.”

Benry’s eyes widened and his expression dropped as if Freeman just punched him in the chest. “How could you say that!? Why are you being so mean to me when I’m trying to fix everything!?”

A sinister calmness washed over Gordon, his empathy for his friend was gone because he could read between the lines. Benry was only thinking about himself. It was one hundred percent evident in his word choice. ‘You’re mean, you’re making drama, get over yourself’.

And Freeman finally didn’t care enough to give into it.

Freeman could see it clear as day. Benry was trying to convince him to put the blame on himself for the sake of their friendship. Again. And Benry really thought he was in the right. It was written on his face. Benry was desperate to avoid the fact that his behavior was part of the problem.

Freeman breathed audibly through his nose as he stood up straight. His shoulders were shaking but he ignored it. He was too focused on his thoughts.

“I know that my feelings will always be here, and I’m not going to pretend they don’t matter anymore. Pleasing you isn’t worth my suffering. You fucked up. You hurt me and I’m allowed to not forgive you if I don’t want to.

No one will ever force me to like them or make me betray myself for them. Never again. Pretending to be someone I hate for everyone else- that's worse than any pain another person can inflict on me. And I will keep telling myself that I’ll be okay without you everyday until it’s 100% true.

I need to trust myself and trust that I'm doing the right thing to make myself happy first. I will only compromise with the people I think deserve it. No more past trust. I have no more free compassion to give.

I'm done fearing you. I'm done letting other people choose how I'm supposed to feel.”

Freeman let out a breath and steadied himself.

Benry lowered his head staring at the ground, a pout on his lips and hands curled up. “But... I’m doing everything I can and nothing's working. I’m... I didn’t mean to be a bad person.”

Freeman defined the frown on his face, “You have to earn my forgiveness. And I’m not in a place to give you another chance without exploding. Goodbye.”

Gordon shut the door and that was it. 

He leaned against the wall waiting. Waiting for the guilt to hit him.

And then. It didn’t.

What Freeman said to Benry wasn’t a fit of rageful curses or threats. It was logical and explained himself the best he could. He was... proud of himself for keeping his head straight.

He didn’t feel guilty anymore, he had dealt with the pain long enough. He would no longer let other’s guilt tripping torture him. He would fight against it every day. He was taking their power over him away on his own.

It was tiring. He had to keep his guard up 24/7 to not get his thoughts twisted. And it would be extremely hard when he went back to work and he would have all of life’s daily stress on his shoulders. He would have to keep fighting to feel okay, to manage stress. To recognize the difference between a fake threat and a real one.

He was retraining himself to look past the fear and focus on the matters at hand. Learning to trust himself again.

It still felt bad to be harsh, but at least he could be okay with himself again.

...

Benry still stood outside the door unmoving.

His head lowered, staring at the closed door. The brim of his hat casting a large shadow over most of his face.

“Whatever...” He said in a shallow and monotone voice.

But he didn’t move. Fists balled tighter and shoulders shrugged up.

Unwanted tears fell down his face.

“ _Whatever...!_ ” He said again but this time his voice clouded with emotions he was trying to ignore. “I hate you anyway...”

* * *

It was still the same day Freeman told Benry off, but it was late in the evening.

He kept replaying the instance in his head, each time adding more and more stuff onto his rant. Carefully composing each word to be clear and ruthless and honest.

Yeah... Yeah take that. He made himself heard and it felt great. He stood up for himself. He didn’t even care. Benry could keep bothering him but he knew he wouldn’t take it sitting down. He could fight for himself. He wasn’t trapped like he was in Black Mesa.

Gordon was cleaning up the kitchen in silence, his thoughts occupying him completely. His hands practically worked by themselves. He was deep in mental conversation.

Things were looking up now that he wasn’t stressing about rushing things. Not worrying about hanging out with his friends, worrying about the baggage that came with them. This was a peaceful way to live. It was stagnant.

No risk, no chance to take on things going south.

He smiled to himself with a big head.

“Hah, maybe I was right. Who needs those guys? I’ll just make new friends. Better friends. I can really be happy.”

Yeah... starting over didn’t feel that scary now. Why go through the trouble of trying to mend things? Starting new would be easier on his head. Much easier than dealing with all the uncomfortable situations and mistakes hindering this friend group.

For the first time, he considered breaking ties for good.

Then something caught his eyes.

It looked like there was a flash behind him. A very quick glow that bounced off the walls in front of him for a moment. Lightning from outside perhaps? He waited to hear the boom of thunder to confirm his suspicions. 

“Hello, Doctor Freeman. It’s been some time, hasn’t it?”

Gordon’s heart jumped up to his throat in primal fear hearing another voice behind him. He hit his hip against the cabinets painfully and almost fell over as he scrambled to turn around. Another unwelcomed surprise, Gman stood in the open living room with him.

Freeman grasped for the sharpest thing in his reach and pointed a steak knife at him, arm fully extended. “YOU-”

“Now, no reason to raise your voice.” Gman cut him off. “People are sleeping.”

His eyes widened and Freeman frantically scooted between Gman and the path to the staircase, “You stay the _fuck away_ from my family, you home invading _freak!_ ” He hissed sharply through his teeth, completely frazzled. He was NOT in the right mind to deal with this shit today!

Gman couldn’t help a brief chuckle to himself. “I wouldn’t stoop so low as to target your little offspring, Dr. Freeman. I’m a family man myself. I’m simply here to talk.”

Gordon sucked his teeth, yeah fucking right. That’s why Tommy still called himself an orphan sometimes. He didn’t trust this clown as far as he could throw him.

“Let me cut to the chase, as you folk say.” Gman continued as he fixed his tie. “I’m here with a very. Important. Proposition.”

Gordon narrowed his eyes at him in disgust.

“You see, Dr. Freeman, you’re a man I see a lot of potential in. And frankly, you’re wasting time here. Skirting around each day aimlessly with no job. No direction. Waiting for the government to reassign you to wherever a _theoretical_ science expert could be used. But until then, they keep writing you checks because they’re obligated to take responsibility for the damages.

So, instead of twiddling your fingers anxiously, I think now's the perfect time to... _move on_ with your life. To the next chapter. Hm?

If you agree, I can give you a new job. A new purpose in life. What do you say?” There was something about the way Gman spoke, something condescending and forceful and threatening. Gordon hated it. Especially at this part of his mental journey.

“I’m not interested in whatever jobs you’re pushing. I do fine for myself.”

Gman’s brow furrowed and Gordon gulped. He wasn’t able to deny his demands before... And as much as he wanted to, maybe it would be dangerous to resist him. He didn’t know. But he was willing to fight like he always had.

“I believe you’re misunderstanding.” Gman put his hands together patiently. “I’m not offering you just a job. I’m talking about taking you to a whole new beginning. I can take you away from all this. A new start.”

Freeman just shook his head, not sure what he was getting at.

Gman kept talking, “I knew that once you had a change of heart, I might finally be able to move the story along. Now that you're not attached to this silly little world and your temporary friends, I could use you for much bigger plans-”

“Don’t talk to me like- Like you know what’s going on in my head! I’m my own person!” Freeman butt in getting angry.

Gman took a couple steps closer, Freeman felt his anger jump to fear but his body was suddenly tight. He couldn’t move.

“Do you remember how your memories once felt foggy? How you may not be able to recall an image of events you believe are your most important? Well, the actually important things in this world have already happened, clear as day to everyone. You could say that the ‘main story’ is already completed.

So. Because time is relatively no bother to me, I’m happy to let everyone play and splash in the mud after the storm for as long as they like.

But, if we’re all done doing interesting things with each other, then I see no reason to drag out mediocrity when there’s a new adventure waiting for us. Do you understand now what I mean?”

Freeman opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He just shook his head no.

He came close enough to push Gordon’s knife wielding hand down and grabbed his shoulder one finger at a time until he gripped fully. “I’m not allowed to say it. But you know. Only the important people know and you’re one of them. It’s just in that foggy part of your head.”

Gordon was scared so Gman let go, patting him off. “You don’t need to pick now or feel persuaded to one side. I’m not asking you to panic. Not to rush your recovery process. Not to betray yourself. None of that. I am asking you to do one thing.”

Freeman looked like he was about to cry, “What?”

Gman raised a hand, “When you can confidently come to a decision on whether you're moving on from your friends or not, let me know. No matter which you choose. So the people in charge don’t pull the rug out from under you.” He smiled, he was giving Freeman choice. Though he couldn’t let his bosses know that.

Gman snapped his fingers and he was gone. As if the business man was never there to begin with. Disappeared.

Freeman dropped his weapon and his body drooped as he was released from the time freezing hold. His head was empty. He was in shock.

“F...Fuck.”

He mindlessly picked up the utensil and put it in the sink out of harm's way.

Did he really have to fuck with him now... saying all this cryptic shit that he never wanted to think about- physically COULDN’T think about according to him.

He signed, slumping upstairs.

He wouldn’t let other people’s actions control his life... So he had to give Gman a decision at some point. Before the option was taken away from him.

He was tired.

Go to sleep, Gordon. It is your turn to have somewhere to be.


	8. Benry's Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Benry sleeps, he yearns for the love that makes him act crazy.

Darkness.

The soft hum of the unconsciousness, swirling and shifting among the code of their world.

Here was a space that didn’t quite exist. The realm where their minds went when in sleep mode, the gentle void that was only limited by what their minds imagined it to be. While their bodies slept, thoughts wandered. And a few lucky people had the ability to recognize when they were asleep and control it...

Benry sat in an empty space, no earthly or other environment. There was nothing but an invisible plain that he rested on and the misty shimmering darkness that could be seen in the distances. He didn’t want to dream tonight, he wasn’t letting himself drift off.

He wasn’t in the mood. He used to have fun in this dreamscape that seemed so illogical and punishment free, where he could truly do what he wanted without consequence. but the last time he visited someone it made his night go sour...

He held his knees to his chest. Nothing... He couldn’t think of anything he wanted to do. He would sit here and wait for time to pass. The only thing he wished for was a way to make time pass faster.

Another dreamless night...

Until he heard footsteps.

Benry lifted his head in surprise. But his brows quickly sank down into a scowl when he saw another man approaching him. 

“...What are you doing here.” Benry questioned, his once monotone voice tinted with anger.

Freeman rubbed the back of his head, “Listen. I really don’t like doing this.” He had a similar stoic expression. “The whole... breaking the game to talk through dreams thing. I think it’s kinda fucked up. Messing with our reality. But um... I needed to talk to you.”

Benry wore an ugly hateful grin and scoffed, “Oh when you wanna suddenly talk it’s fine to just show up? Not like I’ve been trying to talk to you for months. Fuck off.”

Gordon let out a loud breath through his nose, he wouldn’t be here if Gman hadn’t warned him that the game was in danger of ending. So this was a special exception. “Yeah. I’m in a really bad headspace right now. This is kind of a last resort because something crazy came up.” He walked over closer and sat on the ground across from him.

Benry only stared.

“Ya’ know...” Gordon said awkwardly, having the habit of talking too much to fill dead air. “Awake me couldn’t handle this. You mess with the code all the time giving yourself powers and shit. But like, I think I’m an average dude that can’t do any of this. Let alone believe the world doesn’t follow the science I studied-”

Benry slumped down and his expression became even more sour and brooding as Gordon started lecturing him with crap he didn’t care about.

Freeman sighed noticing, “Anyway, that’s not why I’m here... I get it. If you don’t want to talk I’ll leave.”

He let it be quiet a moment.

Benry shifted around uncomfortably, “What are you gonna do, give me an ear full about kissing you up the last times I dream hopped? Here to rub it in my face that you don’t talk to me anymore?”

“No.” Freeman lowered his eyelids. “As much as I’d like to, arguing isn’t going to get us anywhere.”

“Uh huh. Right.” Benry mumbled. “What then.”

“I want to give having a normal conversation a chance where we're both not insanely emotional- because we're running out of time. And I don’t want emotional Gordon to make the wrong decision. So... If the only place we can do that is outside our bodies then fine.”

Benry started fidgeting with his fingers, picking at the lint on his knees and running over his nails with a thumb. “I’m not good...at resolving things.”

“Let’s start with just... being honest then.” Freeman tapped his hand together, “I’ve been reading a lot about conflict resolution and what I’ve been struggling with and how to fix it- And I think that if we come to some kind of verbal agreement then maybe we can work something out.”

“Tsk...” Benry bared his teeth, lowing his voice in irritation. “You always do this... You think just because you’re the more...lawful one that you’re always right. Why can’t you ever try what I want to do?”

Gordon creased his brows, friendship was about figuring out what you’re willing to compromise on right? So he should at least hear him out. “Okay... what do you want to do?”

“Well- Can I ask maybe- I don't know-” Benry stumbled over his words at first, “This is a dream right? And since dreams don't matter... All I want is some affection from someone I like. Is that too much to ask for? _In a dream_? Can’t we have a little fun? Or do we havta be on best behavior. Everywhere. All the time.”

Freeman sat up a little straighter and he felt his cheeks get warm, “That’s not- I’m talking about the problems between us in real life!” He huffed, “I want to see if our friendship is even salvageable and you’re focused on like- shit that isn’t even a reality!”

The both of them exchanged irritated looks and his tone of voice changed.

“Why can’t you take the stick out of your ass for five seconds huh?? Nothing matters here! Yeah we’ll feel shit when we wake up but who cares??? That’s future me’s problem!” Benry argued and crossed his arms pissed. All he wanted was short term comfort all the time to make up for all the long term discomfort he got in return for being so impulsive.

“Well that’s the problem, Benry! I’ve felt like shit for more than half a year now and I’m sick of it!” Freeman rebutted, his hands up and waving as he talked. “If this friendship is going to work I need you to get one thing straight- I need you to respect my boundaries. Just because YOU want something bad enough doesn’t mean I have to give it to you. I might have been willing to look the other way because I trusted you or was under too much stress or was too tired to disagree- But the facts are that I have a say in this friendship! So you have to learn how to listen to me too.”

“Alright alright, I get that I made some big mistakes and I shouldn’t have invaded your dreams or showed up at your house. But this is what doesn’t make sense to me-” Benry composed himself and sat up on his knees. “Yeah. I sought you out. But... you never told me to go away in a dream before. You always. Kissed me back. So. What’s that about?”

Freeman made a face, blushing and hating that Benry was fixated on this ‘why do you like me in dreams but not real life’ concept. 

“Well. I guess that’s because... I must not be completely opposed to the _idea_. Alright? I don’t know why I'd even consider kissing a dude who hurt me as much as you did and- it makes me question a lot of things I don’t know about myself, okay?”

Benry’s eyebrows raised with interest.

Freeman’s face grew stern in response. “But- I don’t think it's a good idea to give you false hope. Even in a dream. Cause it's not what I would do in real life.”

“Uh huh?”

“...I feel like you don’t take my complaints seriously. You only hear what you want to hear. I just don’t want you to think the way you constantly disregard me is okay. Especially if I reward you with affection here.”

“Right.” Benry scooted up closer, “Well um. In real life where it matters... I did leave you alone. For awhile. That’s something I listened to. And um. I’m not the best at that. But I tried.”

“...” Freeman looked aside, it was hard to give Benry any praise cause he always took an inch and made it a mile, “Right.”

Benry stared down, “Like. It took all my self control to not come and beg you for forgiveness everyday. Cause I knew you were upset. I only came to your house cause it had been months, and I was worried you would never reach out on your own again. You’d forget about us. Forget about me. It was my last attempt to make contact and try to mend things. Even though I guess I said it all wrong.”

“Right...” Gordon said thinking about it. Man. Maybe they were fucked. They were both too stubborn and hurt in the waking world to really sit down and have a clear cut honest conversation like this. Benry could barely answer a yes or no question in real life, let alone articulate himself like he was doing now. Their communication was terrible.

They both went quiet.

“...Alright. We talked.” Benry said with a casual sniffle of his nose. “Wanna try my conflict resolution now?”

“Huh?” Gordon lifted his head, needing him to clarify.

“I think we should cuddle it out. How can you stay mad at someone when you’re snuggling up and smooching?” Benry offered with a small grin liking his own idea.

“Um... I feel like that’s a temporary solution...”

“Well. People can be honest not just with words. If we're never gonna to do this again might as well just uh, be ourselves. Right? If it’s something you want to do.” Benry raised a brow, “It might make you feel better to stop holding back. You hold back so much you almost started a fist fight.”

Gordon had to stare down at his lap, a frown stretched across his lips. Yeah...

He was at a loss for words. Which gave Benry the opportunity to scoot over and sit next to him. He held his hand.

Freeman noticed it and looked aside. Once again he reciprocated, turning his hand over to grab his back. He didn’t get it. But it was nice to be wanted by someone he had once called a close friend.

He ran his fingers over his knuckles, enjoying the soft contact of someone else. Even just holding hands sparked a different feeling of comfort that the men couldn’t replicate easily when alone.

Eventually Benry leaned his head over to glance at his friend’s expression, then lifted his arm to put it around himself. Snuggling up to Freeman’s chest. He practically purred with delight, “You’re so mean to me Gordo, but damn would I be lying if I said I didn’t like your company.”

Freeman had to shake his head and roll his eyes as a smile sneaked on to his lips. “Not mean enough apparently.” He looked down at Benry and put his arms around him in a hug. At heart, he really didn’t want to be mean to him. But a person can only have so much patience when nothing changes.

Though, he would also be lying if he said he didn’t like Benry cuddling up to him. Being soft and docile. His heat signature mingling with his own. The fuzzy feeling of them being paired close together.

Soon he tangled his fingers with the other man’s and pulled him onto his lap, bumping their foreheads together. “You wouldn’t be that annoying if you just knew when to stop and listen to someone else seriously once in a while.”

The way he was talking now was almost like playfully scolding a puppy. His tone slightly amused and rubbing noses with him. Benry laughed a little, “I know, I get focused on one idea and just don’t wanna stop.” He giggled through the sentence as his beard tickled him.

It only took so many soft words before he let himself slip, kissing his jaw and neck getting more joyful giggles out of the guard. He happily ran his hands up Freeman’s chest, along his shoulders, caressing the back of his neck and into his hair. His thin fingers playing with the strands.

When Gordon stopped to nuzzle his face into the crook of his neck, Benry made it a point to kiss him back. He wanted to make Freeman happy in his own way, share the fuzzy feelings he always made bubble up inside him. Being around the scientist was all the comfort he wanted. If he could treat him like this for the rest of his life, he’d be content.

A soft press of heads turned into a peck on the lips. They couldn’t help themselves. They each wanted a kiss and the other was willing to give it to them. Tilting to gather smooch after smooch.

Soft, so soft... They pressed against each other wanting to be closer.

Needy for the bliss only another person could bestow among them. Only feeling right with someone they made a connection with. Knowing they saw them as more than an object for human contact, they had _history_. They knew who the other one was as a person. To a fault.

They knew each other too well. They cared too much about their opinion of them.

Benry dug his fingers into the back of Freeman’s shirt, the faintest sigh of unrestrained pleasure leaving him as he held him. Kissing him felt like heaven every time... But his face was soft with an underlying sadness.

What if they didn’t mend their friendship once they wake? Was this really the end?

The thought forced his worry to surface. And amidst their affection... he felt like he could trust him.

“I’m so alone sometimes. I just don’t want to let you go when you’re right here. The thought of trying to find someone else who clicked with me like you- it makes me sick to my stomach.” Benry’s fingers gripped harder. “You were the only person I felt like I could be myself around...”

He’d been lying to himself for _years_ that maybe Gordon would change his mind and date him. He wanted Freeman to put him first in his life and Benry wanted to give himself to him. And when that never happened, everything came crashing down. He believed his own lies for so long... just to avoid the pain. He wouldn’t accept the rejection.

“I know...” Gordon spoke softly, “I’ll never find someone that can give me the friendship I had with you. Never... Every inside joke. All the time spent. How we made every new interest exciting for the other person and shared that...” His expression softened even more just thinking about it... those days when it felt like they cared about each other more than anybody else. That was a pleasure that felt even better than physical contact sometimes. 

“And I’ll always miss that if we can’t rekindle our friendship one day... but you have to let go of the idea that I’m the only person that can make you happy. It just isn’t true... No matter how much you prefer me over everyone else. I’m not here just to satisfy you. I’m my own person, I’ll continue on even when you tear yourself apart.” Freeman was reaching deep inside himself, as if he was coaching himself on one of those nights where panic started consuming him. “No matter how much you hurt yourself, people are going to live life for themselves first. And you should too. You have to be able to hold yourself up when others can’t.”

“Gordon...” Benry croaked, his voice becoming slightly broken.

Freeman couldn’t stop a sad pained expression from over taking his own face, he hugged Benry tighter. “Please stop hurting yourself, please... I know how agonizing it is having shame dominate your life. I want you to be okay.”

“I... I can’t.” Benry tensed up in his grip. Freeman was poking at something he had been suppressing for a long time. Feelings he didn’t want to deal with, things that were easier to ignore.

“Please...” Freeman asked again. That stubborn part of him that wanted everyone to have their breakthrough was speaking. “Please let yourself be vulnerable, I promise the pain won’t last forever once you deal with it.”

Benry tried to push away but he didn’t budge, getting teary eyed as he started feeling trapped, “I don’t want to! You’re... This is stupid!!! You’re going to make me say something that’ll hurt you again!”

“Please Benry, I want to forgive. You have to be honest.”

“You’re sUCH AN IDIOT FEETMAN, LET ME GO!!!” Benry yelled.

Freeman wouldn’t let him escape, he made him admit his discomfort surrounding wanting to kiss him and now he was returning the favor. Gordon pushed him again until he gave in.

Benry burst into ugly sobs, dark dark orbs of sweet voice escaping him involuntarily as he wailed.

“How can anyone forgive the person who tortured my best friend-!? _ME!_ ” He managed to spit out when he regained enough clarity to speak. “Everything I thought would help made things worse! No matter who I blamed, you were always mad at me! What am I supposed to do when I’m the monster!? I can’t stop making mistakes! I want someone to fix it for me! I don’t want to be blamed anymore!!!”

It was impossible to get a word in as Benry cried loudly. Which was a good thing. He needed to let it out.

Benry flopped his body completely losing the will to support himself, hitting himself in the face with the back of his hands as he sloppily rubbed his eyes, “The day you started hating me was the day I started hating myself! How could anybody like a disgusting evil mess like me if even the person I considered my best friend hated me!? All my happiness hinged on you! If you enjoyed my company I thought maybe I wasn’t as bad and stupid as I thought! But No! I always ruin everything!”

Freeman sighed and rubbed Benry’s back, “There there...” He listened quietly, but not to be guilt tripped. Instead just understand his view point.

Benry sniveled, “Every close relationship I ever had ended in me treating them badly! And I don’t _want_ to hurt my closest friends, but whenever I say something it always comes out wrong! Asked for too much. And I can’t tell anybody because then everyone knows I’m a horrible person and Ican’ttakeitanymoreandnoonewillHELPME-!” At this point Benry just shoved his face into Gordon’s shoulder and screamed.

Freeman raised his brows and waited as he went quiet for a while. He loosened his grip on him and they sat there.

Eventually Benry picked up his head and looked at Freeman, his expression pleading and hands touching the other’s chest. “Please Gordon... Look how useless I am without you. I’m no good on my own. I’ll do anything to just- live in the friend zone again. At least then you’re still in my life.”

Freeman just shook his head, all he could think about were the stages of grief. It sounded like he was bargaining. “I’m not going to be uncomfortable just because it’s easier for you. You have to earn my friendship back. And it just might take a really long time.”

Benry pouted and sniffled. “What am I supposed to do...”

Freeman thought about his own experience... how he felt such similar feelings of being useless and out of control in his own life... because he had put the faith of his happiness in the actions of others. “You need to make your own happiness that you can rely on. I can’t be the only thing that brings you joy in life.”

He gently wiped the tears off Benry’s cheeks. “People are wonderful to be around and we can enjoy their company better when we’re content. We can’t force other people to do everything we want perfectly. It’s impossible. It’s something out of our control. You need to take care of the things you do have control over... even if it’s the harder way of doing things.” He smiled.

“It’ll be worth it when you start making choices that make you happier.” Gordon softly laid his head against his. “The path is really unclear...but there’s a whole world of people outside that can help you. They helped me. You just have to find the ones that know how to.”

Benry put his head on his shoulder, quieting down. “I hope everything works out...”

“Me too.” Freeman closed his eyes, “If we put in the effort, I think it will.”

* * *

Benry wakes up.

It’s the morning. A few beams of sunlight leaked through the busted shades on his window.

He lets out a breath.

Then he pulled his torso to sit up in a sloppy manner. Empty soda cans and candy wrappers crinkling audibly as they fell to the sides.

He held his head.

“Ugh... I wish I’d stop having dreams about that asshole...”


	9. Life Goes On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With enough time, even the worse wounds heal. And we learn to manage the painful scars left behind.

With yet another vivid dream still plaguing Freeman’s head... isn’t it nice to have someone to talk to?

Darnold sat and listened to his friend with the motivation to help him. To help solve one of the many problems that existed in this world. One of the many puzzles. One of many things that chased away the boredom and offered a goal to be achieved.

“I uh... I’ve been thinking a lot.” Freeman said with a dry mouth and gulped, “I think I’m bisexual... a-and I’m having a really hard time handling it.”

“What is making you think that?”

Gordon looked a bit sick, it being hard to voice these thoughts he has been suppressing. “I think about... Benry... and the feelings are really intense but not... clear.”

“Do you think you love Benry?”

“No- I'm still really fucked up about him. I’m angry with him. How could I love someone that brings me so much pain?” Freeman told himself more than the person he was talking to. “I think that him once being a close male friend, that's the only person I could ever imagine being comfortable enough to do something gay with. But after everything he's done, dating him now is the last thing on my mind.”

“Mhm?”

“But I think that once... it could have been possible.” Gordon went quiet for a while. Not accepting his own words for a moment. “... _ Did _ I like him more than a friend...?” Freeman mumbled, hands grabbing his own hair. Questioning everything again. Was he so hurt... because he had fallen in love with Benry?

“Well- We don’t need to dwell on what’s already passed.” Darnold intervened, “Let’s focus on how you’re going to handle everything you’re dealing with now.”

* * *

It has been over a year. A year where every single day starts the same way. But not how anybody would think. The next day starts when they wake up, right?

They’d be wrong.

In the void, in this space outside their reality, one person had the ability to end it all. And he wasn’t even aware of it when he was awake.

Freeman walked up to his place in the void, the same Freeman that knew this was a game and he played a special part in it. That he would enter a world that was made to entertain him, whether it was a good or bad experience. It was a life that constantly had meaning and an end goal. A life where you weren’t allowed to be stagnant, you would either find joy or be inflicted with pain that forced you to grow and adapt.

The void displays a set of hovering bright letters for him. And every day he had to make a choice.

“Quit?” or “Continue?”

Why do you stop playing a game? Because it no longer entertains you or it becomes too infuriating. It is either too easy or too hard. It doesn’t have the right... Balance. It is human nature. Nature to be dissatisfied with boredom. Nature to not want to suffer.

Everyday Freeman made this choice. 

Everyday.

Everyday.

Everyday the game offers something to entertain him.

Freeman makes a choice.

And Gordon wakes up in his bed.

* * *

It has been over a year since the incident at Black Mesa occurred. And Gordon finds himself doing something he never thought would be possible again.

He was at the mall with his friends. He walked alongside Dr. Coomer and Bubby who were having a heated discussion about the prices and quality of the items they saw in the last store. Buddy complaining endlessly on how stupid it was while Coomer repeated point for point textbook fact on the current market prices for the raw materials and how profit worked.

Yup, if you had gone back all those months ago and told Freeman that he’d be enjoying time with his old friends once more, he would have told you it was impossible.

Especially since Tommy and Benry suddenly ran up next to them.

“Guys we’re uh- You’re going to miss it! They have  _ free samples. _ ” Tommy exclaimed, almost out of breath in his excitement.

“What. Free what?” Bubby sneered, being unfamiliar with a lot of things on the surface still.

Benry held up a mini weenie, “Bro free sample means I got this shit for freeeeee.” He throws the sample in his own mouth with a crunch, toothpick and all.

“WAIT.” Bubby suddenly was full of energy, “YOU MEAN THEY’RE JUST GIVING SHIT AWAY?? FOR FREE??” Before they could answer Bubby was in a full sprint off in a direction.

Benry burst out laughing hysterically as Tommy ran after him yelling, “No No! That’s the wrong way!!”

Coomer and Freeman followed leisurely behind as they made their way to the food court. Watching as the other three quickly occupied the hot dog stand.

They were going to join them, wanting some free samples too. When a stray soda cup rolls next to Gordon’s feet, just far enough behind him to be in his peripheral vision. And it makes him jump. Being too similar to a grenade rolling past his feet like all that time ago. An uncontrollable trigger to set off his nerves.

“Coming Gordon?” Dr. Coomer asks, noticing him stop.

Freeman composes himself. Then he makes a choice. “You know what, I’m going to take a break for a minute. I’ll catch up when I’m ready.”

Coomer can only give him a nod as he goes on and Gordon goes to lean against a pillar away from the action. Taking his time.

He was proud that he was able to do this, he had a new skill on his side: being able to recognize his discomfort and take a step back.

He did not have to give up his comfort to anybody he didn’t want to. And having strong emotions doesn’t make him a bad person, it’s just a matter of learning to manage them.

He couldn’t fear being teased for sharing his feelings, no matter how much it might hurt when someone refuses to listen to him. He had to stay strong and speak so people know how he’s feeling.

He couldn’t give in just because it's easier. He could feel his emotions, rest, be depressed for a time, but he had to always try to pick himself up. Because it’s going to get easier the more he gets used to managing it.

He shouldn’t hold his feelings in. If he doesn't speak his peace it will come out somehow, probably through anger.

So he stopped and tried to clear his head, so he didn’t end up snapping at something small and insufficient. He didn’t realize that a five minute break turned into 20 minutes. Until Benry walked over into his eye of sight, making Freeman raise his brows.

“Hey.” He said in his monotone voice. “The others are going window shoppin’ again. Come play at the arcade?”

Gordon gave a slight smile being asked, but he still wasn’t ready. “Thanks but maybe later.”

Benry’s lip snagged slightly in an unpleased manner, “Wha, you too busy starin’ at the floor or something? You should come have fun.”

That’s all it took for anxiety to start bubbling up in Freeman, that same fear response as if he had been arguing about something he didn’t want to do for hours. His brain knew the patterns and made alarms go off that this was the start of a dangerous situation.

But Gordon had been practicing, practicing to keep a level head even when panic threatened to overwhelm him. “Remember what I said to you? How you have to show you can listen to others' needs so they’ll be willing to listen to yours?”

“UuuUUUGh.” Benry complained but he knew the new routine now, if he wanted to be on good terms with Gordon he had to step back and stop pushing him so hard. His face became irritated for only a moment before it was hidden with his stoic expression again. “‘Kay. See ya later.”

Gordon sighed softly and relaxed his body when Benry left. He felt a wave of relief. Having someone you feared actually hear you out instead of arguing or attacking, that was the positive reinforcement he needed so he could trust again. 

But also, he was proud he kept a level head. He communicated his point, and he knew he was heard. Progress.

Now he had confidence that he wasn’t crazy. Now no matter who hurt him, He would have peace of mind that he acted in the way he wanted to. He was able to speak instead of keeping quiet until he exploded and hurt people.

He could live peacefully knowing he was becoming the person he wanted to be. He would work everyday to never fall victim to emotional manipulation again. He could recognize when people turned to sadness or anger to try to fix things, whether they mean to or not. Emotions are meant to help us communicate and act.

Gordon had made this mistake before, phrasing a question in a way that made the other person feel awkward so he could get what he wanted. But he recognized that now. He didn’t want to take advantage of anyone, he wanted to grow. He wanted to be the best he could.

As for this friendship... About his once fluffy feelings for Benry...

Right now, they were too broken to be together. They would only halt each other's road to recovery if they gave into the emotional dependency between them. That yearning for the friendship they once had.

Gordon didn't want that, as much as he wanted that old friendship back, he didn't want to be dependent on Benry to feel okay. And he didn't want Benry to be dependent on him.

It was hard. It was so incredibly hard to resist the easy unhealthy solution. But he wouldn’t feel okay knowing someone else would always hold the key to his happiness. And if they ever took it away he would get angry at them.

He couldn't put the responsibility of his happiness in someone else's hands. He needed to be responsible for himself. No matter how much pain and desperation it forced onto him, if he wasn't in control of his own life he would never be happy. He would always hate himself. He would be letting others control his life.

His decisions were the only things he could control in this unfair world. He was responsible for his actions, he could be in control of his actions. If he didn't like something, he had a choice. He just had to figure out what it was he really wanted.

He looked over at Benry who was practically attached to Tommy, using him as a crutch in his time of need. Absorbed in his attention because it made him feel better.

Balance... It was ok to reach out to people but only when it doesn't turn into obsession...

For now, Gordon was ok with holding onto the hope that things might even out one day for the both of them. Whatever that might look like. He became lost in thought again, thinking about how reliant he had been on other people’s approval to feel okay...

Then Tommy walked over.

“Here Mister Freeman! You uh, you didn’t get one right?” He hands him a small hot dog on a stick.

Gordon smiles, “Thanks Tommy.” Some people just had kindness come naturally to them...

He eats it but makes a slightly worried face spotting Benry. He was brooding as he waited for his friend to come back. “Hey uh, Tommy? You’re close with Benry right?” Gordon looked at him sincerely, “Do you think you can talk to him about trying therapy? I think it might help him out.”


	10. Final Words

In a dark, dark room there was a council of some kind. Seated in an elevated arrangement, not quite visible in the traditional human sense.

On the floor of the dark, dark space a spotlight flickered on. In it stood the Gman.

He lifted his head to these people, these people that were above him, people more powerful than him. Those whom the Gman answered to.

“What is hindering our progress?” A voice among them demanded.

He put his briefcase on the ground.

“To put it simply...” The Gman put his fingers together thoughtfully, “They aren’t done with the game. And our one rule is to let the program run until they’ve finished. What is to happen if we were to interfere when the time wasn’t right?”

“This is highly unorthodox. What is taking so long, I expect you to guide them to a finish swiftly.”

Gman could only smile, thinking about the players he had grown so fond of. “They’ve found a new way to get entertainment out of this world. There’s no telling how long this new generation will take.”

Silence grew in the chamber for what seemed like an eternity.

“Very well.” 

A game. A game with challenges, requirements, goals, consequences, rewards and other players. Much like life, a game is about moving towards an ending. Good or bad objectively, it doesn’t mean losers are destined to be sad and winners guaranteed happiness. In the end, the players take what’s most important to them from the experience.

Once Gman left his realm, he watched the science team regroup in the mall from the shadows.

They held the keys to this world and the next and the one after that. People who determine so many outcomings and yet are still at the mercy of what life hands them.

The Gman watched. Then he smiled.

I’ll let you bide your time, Gordon. You may have your fun here and live a full life since you chose to. I’ll respect your decision to continue.

But the next game will start once this one ends.

And that’s just something out of your control.

* * *

**Epilogue:**

Thank you to everyone who read this and left kind comments. This is the first multi-chapter story I’ve written and I really didn’t have a clear way to end it for a long time. I began writing this during a very painful part of my life. I wanted the story to stay somewhat realistic in the emotional aspects.

I know everyone wants a happy ending, Freeman and Benry will find one but what it looks like is up to the reader to decide. It didn’t feel right to write such a complicated story with so much hurt and end it with something that felt rushed, or at the least I can’t imagine what it would take to truly rebuild a friendship like theirs. There might be a book two in the future.

Whatever life you imagine for them, I hope you enjoyed this snapshot of Freeman’s journey. Change can be painful, but sometimes it’s necessary to find your own happiness.

If you are a person who is struggling, I invite you to read the articles from helpguide.org which are a free source to self care.


End file.
